Chewed out.. Again.

So this week I was in the Principals office again. It would probably be good if I reflected about it here.

My issue: I have communication problems that will make it hard for me to conduct myself and get along with the staff at AMS. He brought up 2 main concerns:

1) During meetings with him and other staff members I have a tendency to try to finish his sentences before he's done. I'm maybe right half the time, but the other half he has to stop and repeat. (I can imagine that's annoying)

----- maybe it's nerves, maybe I have a legit problem with processing information, or maintaining focus I am using this as a way to stay on point. I know I can be impulsive sometimes and I have trouble listening. He suggested that I take notes or make lists. It might be good to occupy my mind. I must work on this. I need to know when to shut the fuck up and listen. listen.

----- He also said that this can make others think that I know what they are going to say and I think they are incompetent or dumb. I guess it could come off this way. Hopefully just a transitional phase from my last job where they were incompetent and kinda dumb.


2) The second irritating thing I do is ask questions about what he just said after he's said it. I call those clarifying questions. I just look like a big idiot doing that I am sure it's annoying.

----- It may also be the nerves. So much is being thrown in my face and I have a hard time with all of it. Feeling overwhelmed is making it harder for me to think straight.

----- I could also have a legit processing issue, maybe taking notes will help me.


Overall I know this isn't the first time anyone has told me that I do these annoying things. It will help me in the long run to learn these skills so I can form productive relationships with others. I also feel that he is being a little knit-picky and jumping the gun on talking with me. If I do have the chance to improve and that is recognized it will only reflect very well on me later. Look, there is the girl who had come so far, though I know I always really had it I just needed the chance for it all to reveal itself. It will be important to revisit this and reflect on my progress and keep all of this in mind.

Besides that, I had some successes today. Though it wasn't all perfectly smooth. Most of the advisory period went well and my other classes are starting to take shape.

I can't wait!

I'm so excited. Now that I feel more confident and settled into this position and school, and I can't wait to begin. I am so lucky. There are 20 teaching fellows in the school including the principal and assistant principal, who are so awesome.

I went to City college and had my bill validated (since I don't pay and it's FREE). I spoke to some professors in the special ed. department and they were surprised at how good I have it. Those SETSS positions are very hard to come by and are great for new teachers. I'll get to see so many different classes and work very closely with the students. It could be very rewarding. I remember a lot of students I tutored at East Side House, it was amazing to have such a close connection and be part of the student's success. I also get to teach an elective course and run an advisory. I could teach anything and I think I may do a debate/mock trail course, the asst. princ. said he had a nice curriculum. The advisory will be fun too, we can talk about anything. The IEP work might not be as demanding as I expected, because they've hired another special ed. fellow to split up the work.

The days could not be going any slower.

A Job. Finally.

So after having an excellent interview Thursday with the Bronx school I go to another even better seeming Manhattan school the next day and have another excellent interview.

I get a job offer from the Bronx school Saturday while the Mott Hall school asks me to come in Monday. So I have to put the Bronx school on hold and pursue Mott Hall. Monday I still don't have an answer. They need the principal and she apparently ended up in the hospital with a bad case of heat stroke. So I put the first offer on the line and wait yet another day. This is interview # 3. I wait there for over and hour as they are interviewing someone else. I'm shitting a brick out there, talking to another girl waiting to be interviewed. Then I get dragged into the office for an intense interrogation. I try to wow them answering every ridiculously hard question with a thorough answer including specific examples. I was so on! I really gave it everything I had and I thought it went very well. Turns out they needed another two hours to make a decision, so they'll call me. I spend the first hour unloading on my mother and the second sitting at the coffee shop. This place is supposed to be my sanctuary. I can't read, talk, or think. So instead I spend the longest hour of my life staring at the wall waiting for a steak dinner. At exactly 2:02 the phone rings. At the start of the annoying beep I stop everything, letting the piece of half-chewed steak fall from my mouth back onto the plate. I got rejected. The girl who walked in that morning had 6 years of experience and they decided to hire her. I feel so screwed over. Damn that sux.

So in retrospect the story about the principal's sudden collapse could be a load of shit, but I will never know.

I am desperately trying to reach school # 1 but I am unable to get through. I must go to the job fair. Oh how I hate job fairs! The past two have not treated me well. I don't need this right now. Life is hell. Finally as I am standing on this god awful line for this god awful fair I get the good news. I immediately step to the side, as if I have nothing to do with these poor fools who decided to go to this event. I start running up and down the line, jumping up and down screaming, "I got a job! I got a job!" as everyone is waiting to enter. I'm such as asshole I know.

A New Energy

I need to be more active in this job pursuit. I also need to be more confident. I need to become more aware of who I am in all this. I started reading some theory books, highlighting and such, to further develop some ideas of why I want to teach and how I can reach these kids.

I know that I will be successful. I cannot forget that. Even if I get a job three weeks into school, in the worst school on this earth I will prevail. I need this self-talk right now. It will all work out. I'm really not afraid. The more I can figure out why I am teaching, the more it will help me express myself in these interviews and guide my emotions, actions, attitudes toward the work I will be doing.

I need to start getting excited for this. I'm about to begin a new adventure (I know I'm a cheeseball :))

The birthday honeymoon is over.

So I woke up this morning very late. I looked at my mailbox and it was flooded with fellows e-mails, "I got a job!" I paced around the room. Got upset, almost cried a few times. I'm frozen right now in this unsuccessful search. I'm also starting to get sick of being stressed and upset.

There's nothing to discuss. I don't have a job and it sux. The end. I've rewritten this post three times now. So now I need to sit at the cafe with a coffee and a paper. Goodbye.

A Better Day.

So I decided to call a bunch of schools until I found one or two that would accept a resume. Overall a pretty productive day, I spoke to three principals (at schools that were fully staffed- partly b/c the placement office staff were so rude to me and wouldn't provide any listing of available positions, so it's back to cold calling). I need to keep doing that, build a network. It's very slow and I'm not exactly getting interviews, but maybe I will make the right contact eventually.

Again!

So that school where I had her cell number and was sooo close, double booked someone that they liked more over my interview slot and told me something may open up. The truth is that they weren't that interested in me and picked three candidates that day (it was the only day to interview).

I don't know what people see when they look at me, or speak to me. Do they see an inexperienced young looking white girl who can't control a classroom? I wish they saw an intelligent and ambitious teacher committed to raising achievement. That might be a hard sell for a girl like me I don't know. I feel like I must be getting stereotyped or something because people fail to see who I am in these mini-interviews or on my resume, which apparently sux.

Again, I have to recover from yet another rejection. It's already getting easier, every time I shed a few less tears. I will be so strong by the end of this.

I don't suck.

So the pity party is over (for now).

I went to the school where the office secretary said "go away" and the principal sat down and interviewed me. It went well, I was a bit on the nervous side, but I handled myself decently well. She said of no fault of my own, they are looking for a science expert and have a few, but she'll keep me in mind.

So tomorrow I should go down to the harvey milk school where that other school where I almost had an interview is residing and ask to set up one or talk to someone there.

I gotta go to these places, and not accept no for an answer.

Off to the gym, so I can burn some of this up.

I suck.

So another school I really want to work in has not chosen me. The lady at the office said I could leave a resume, but I will not be allowed to see the principal.

I feel so terrible. I didn't know I was so bad. My resume is pretty crappy. I can't do anything about it. I can't seem to fix my attitude so I don't feel so crappy. That's nearly impossible. I think I'm going to do something unrelated to finding a job today, after I drop off the resume (just in case they may change their mind).

Rejected!

So I had a shitty day. First I call that school and they might want me to come in but never called me back. I hear that its a terror school, but I shouldn't take it too seriously. Let's face it, most of the schools that I could potentially work at, being that I am a new teacher are dreadfully in disarray.

Next I go to the meeting with the placement people (I demanded that they meet with me 'cause I was having a lot of trouble.) It turned into more of a therapy session, I was fighting the tears. He gave me some good advice and was very honest. He said my resume was very basic and nothing stood out to him. How would I make it stand out? He didn't have anything to say to that, just that it was blahh. So I haven't saved the world yet, or done anything extraordinary, I'm fairly young I have plenty of time for that.

Then I get an e-mail from the other school that claimed they wanted to interview me, but I guess they reconsidered because they threw on the ol' freeze excuse. Yes that district is still frozen, but that never stopped anyone from hiring. So more bullshit and lies. I guess it's better than the truth. It's hard to recover from being rejected so much. It's hard to wake up the next day and be positive and upbeat. That was the main advice the fellows guy gave me, be upbeat and positive. Convince the school that even though it sux and is run horribly, you have the plan to bring positive change. I have to shift my thinking here.

My horoscope today was pretty nice so I'll end on a high and include it below:

Some sort of challenge will come your way around the time of Thursday's lunar eclipse, but you will overcome it with ease. Act fast, act tough, and don't doubt for a moment that you have what it takes to succeed-- it's a talent you were born with.

Stage Fright

So I had to deliver my Intro speech for the class today. I was nervous as hell and it showed. I'm not sure how comfortable I am up there and when I taught I would fluctuate between comfort and anxiety. I shouldn't over analyze here, but I know the students see a lack of confidence and walk all over it. I know it, 'cause I've been through it.

I don't know what kind of teacher I will become, or whether I will stay in this business. I do care for the students and want them to learn, so maybe that will carry across in my teaching. Some teachers today looked like they were going to beat everyone up and I don't need to resort to that intimidation. I can be calm and yet firm. I hate to say it but confidence will be the key, and I really could use that right now.

There is a fear in the back of my head that teaching isn't the job for me. It's a great fear because I don't know what I would do instead. I don't have marketable skills, I'm not really sure what I bring to the workforce. I'm afraid that my work will be meaningless. Brian loves not working and he has been saying that he doesn't want to work. He has a huge trust fund and a bunch of money invested so he may not have to work. I wish I had that luxury.

If I didn't work would I be able to create a more meaningful life, or would working help create that meaning? I guess it depends on the job. I know there is more to life than working, but it's somewhere where I will be spending so much of my time and that time is too precious to waste. I don't want to live for my vacations, I really want to live so that I don't ever need to take a vacation. I want my life to be one big vacation.

I think I have a lawsuit

So Edmund tells me that he went in for the interview at Mott Haven and he was the only special education teacher there. I think they want him and that's it. The fact that they didn't give me a chance to interview considering that I have similar if not better credentials is a classic case of discrimination.

It is possible that they called East Side House and someone bad mouthed me. I don't think they would do that though.

I think they just saw WHITE GIRL and were like... "next".

The other job fair

So this job fair was a completely different experience. There were so many schools and it was city wide.

This time I chose to approach only the schools who had white people or seemed "white-friendly." I mean if they are going to type me well then I'll do the same thing back. I'm not wastin' my time.

This Facing History H.S. seemed very interested in me. They kept warning me that I would have to work hard and I was delighted to hear that. It's a CTT class and they don't use regents exams and instead the students present performance assessments, like exit projects. I love it. The interviewer gave me her cell phone number. That's gotta mean something.

I called her today and set up a phone date for 3pm, which is as soon as she gets back from meeting with the hiring committee. I really hope this works out. In the meantime I must pursue other leads.

Observed. Yet again...

So this time I decided to do a lesson on civil disobedience. It was 9 in the morning and I had one student. The trainer loved it. I clearly have the lesson plan thing down and I have knowledge base of the content. She was concerned about my classroom management skills, student were walking in while I was teaching and one said that it sucked that the teacher wasn't there (oh did I mention he took the whole week off!) So I should have addressed his disrespectful comment.

I told her my concern that I will plan beautiful engaging lessons, but the students will go crazy and I won't be appreciated for being a good teacher. All the administrator will see is crazy students. That happened a lot at east side house. I did significant things to bring their levels up but was still known as the teacher who couldn't control her class, so I suddenly look very incompetent in the eyes of the principal. (It pays to mention that at the time I had trouble managing them I had some crack dealing pimps, a girl who got an abortion every week, and a boy who went off his lithium from time to time. They were so wild and crazy. It felt so beyond my capacity to deal with some of these insane students. I mean literally just came out of a mental facility insane.) It's just not fair to me. That I should work so hard perfecting my craft of delivering interactive winning lesson plans, to be shat on by some of these folks who don't appreciate the hard work I put in. (or are not mature enough understand anything outside themselves) I think I need to teach at the university level.

It's the thing principals focus on. They see young white girl and they think management, management, management. It seems like all they care about. I know it's important, but there are other aspects of teaching besides crowd control.

You know this classroom management issue is a problem for a lot of women and principals know it. They probably try to hire men when they can. It is very connected to how women have been socialized as a female. Women are not natural figures of great authority, they have more of a cooperative negotiating nature, that may be good for working with adults, but can get you into big trouble with the students.

I'm playing the demographics card a lot because these principals see so many of us that they often see us as types: we are our race, age, gender, sexuality... and they rarely see us as people.

One of my biggest fears is that I will spend far too much time managing the class that I won't be able to teach these incredible awesome lesson plans. I just need to be an aggressive dictator. I need the confidence for that, which is what I lacked today. She thought I could involve all the students that came in and believe me if we were at East Side House , you know I'd be getting everyone involved and I'd go back to being myself again. I hate these damn observations.

Another Job Fair!!

So the placement office signed me up for the fair tomorrow even though it's completely full. So letting it rip on them earlier was a good thing.

I love my balzy mutt-ah

Yeah, so I finally spoke to my mom in regards to the past few days. She said I need to call the placement office and get some support. She suggested I say that I have not been given an honest chance and I need an advocate, because with the teaching experience I have this should not be happening. She's right. My strengths are not being represented, especially when principals presume to know who I am before they interview me. These presumptions on the part of these principals are beyond my control. She said I should say everything short of mentioning my race. I don't want to play that race card. She also thought it was ridiculous for me to pretend that I am stupid.


My mom cracked me up with a come-back comment, ya know if they refuse to assist me, "Don't say you can't help me, I never tell my students they can't I always say they can. Someone can help me and someone will." Ohh you had to be there.

Principals need to like me.

I need to pay attention to how I come off. I can't really be me. I have to find out what these principals want. It's so hard. I just get so excited and wacky or I feel awkward and I just don't represent myself properly. My mom told me not to ask too many questions. I take it so seriously, I start asking so many questions and the principal gets worried that he won't be able to control me. Or I will be so freakin' awesome that I will make him have to work.

It seems like these principals are mainly interested in black and hispanic people who seem very impressionable and agreeable, two qualities that I can't imagine myself having, but it would help to fake it at least for now.

I was talking about this with a special old friend of mine, Tom (ie. the current man-toy) and what he said is right, it's not about me, it's all about the principal. They are trying to create a particular community within their school. I need to fit into that community.

Some poor old shitty school will be desperate for someone and they will be lucky to have me. Then I will truly be fulfilling the fellows mission of working in a super atrocious high need school. I am concerned that a school that is run like hell may make me want to quit teaching.

It's heading downhill at the moment

Yeah. So I have been avoiding this blog because I hate to admit that things aren't go well right now. This week has been rough.

Monday/Tuesday: I did alright on my class presentation but I totally bombed my field training observation. I had a rough night so I did some quick stupid lesson I put together that morning and was soo unprepared. At least I admitted to it and didn't try to act like it was everyone else's fault.

Tuesday Job fair: There are about a dozen schools and about a few hundred teachers roaming around. I see all my classmates as we are all sitting down for interviews. A few of them went alright I guess, I see my black classmates go ahead of me, and I could see the change in the body language of the principals, they seemed well received.

I ran into the gay boy I met at that 6 person interview, I mentioned earlier, and he told me out of the 6 of us the principal called back the black girl and the Hispanic boy and the hispanic boy got the job. This flamboyant gay boy and I were clearly the best and the smartest, I told him I thought he had the position. We both bonded over this rejection.

Wednesday: I call Josh at east side house to call Mott Haven. The FV calls me and wants me to redo the lesson I bombed, next Tuesday.

Thursday: I miss field training and decide to go to Mott Haven with a lesson plan. My FV supports this. I'm being proactive. Unfortunately I travel all the way down there and I can't get into the school. Later in the day Edmund (ie. the boy I messed around with last week) tells me he just received an e-mail from them calling him in for an interview on Tuesday. I rush home and check my e-mail to find that I have not been selected. So they don't want me. I can't understand why. I doubt a call from my company's executive can make them change their mind, but we'll see. I'm actually pretty embarrassed and I don't really want to tell everyone.

Two Rough Days Ahead...

So I got home early so that I could start working. I went to the market I watched a bunch of porn, and no work has gotten done.

I need to present a lesson plan tomorrow for my class and then present a lesson for the trainer Tuesday morning. It will be the last time I am observed. I am lucky that I am not having to teach all throughout the field training like so many other people. I do a little tutoring and that's about it. After Tuesday I just show up for two for weeks and I'm done. No more work. I need this positive self talk.

I have a resistance to doing this because I don't want to face it. Being observed makes me feel inadequate. Once I have a classroom and a stable situation I can relax and stop worrying about being evaluated. Right about now I would normally pop the ritalin. I may take a pill in the morning.

No Phone Calls.

So the school I visited Monday, did not call me back. It doesn't mean they won't, but I can't expect it. I heard that other fellows at this interview were called back which makes me believe that they called who they wanted and they just didn't want me.

Hopefully the "right" school will want me. My parents will of course be shocked, shocked at the idea that their perfect daughter wasn't the first one selected.

It would be best to not share information like this with my parents. All I will say to them when the time finally arrives is "I have a job," and that's it.

Research Based Methods

So I was reading an article today that made me question what I thought earlier about research based teaching methods.

I have to remember that a lot of the outcomes of these research studies are predetermined before the research even begins. AND.. though they may be proving that these seemingly non-inquisitive strategies work to help students learn, the more important question to ask is "How do they define learning?" Is learning the ability to regurgitate facts and dates for the state exam, or does their definition of learning include the stimulation of high order thinking?

So maybe Ricky was right in questioning the system. I'm about at that point as well. The fellows program may teach me, with their research proven strategies, how to impart information to students, but the question of what is actually worth knowing or what skills are actually necessary to survive in today's modern world, are questions too large and way beyond me at this point.

I can speculate as to what is really worth knowing. It might be a healthy ongoing dialogue to have with myself as I go through this process of becoming... something...

Bad Day :(

Today my teacher at my field training school showed up an hour late. The students don't want to do any work. They are so unmotivated and they have very low skills. I feel like an asshole for saying this but I can't even try to see intelligence where there doesn't seem to be any.

The second period rolls around and the crazy kids come in. I sit and do work by myself and say, "if you need help I'm here." I don't make an effort to help anyone. Students are coming in and out. I feel a piece of paper hit me in the back and I turn to two students screwing around and tell them that's not cool, but I say it in a reserved way and not a firm way. I feel weak right now because I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know these students. One of them is a jackass and keeps repeating what I am saying back to me. I ask him to show me what he is working on. I get firmer with him. The other kid is doing nothing and shouldn't be there. I don't want to seem weak so I get tougher. I say "It is your responsibility to get your work done, you are the one who needs to pass, I could care less who threw the paper!" This not helping as the student is yelling "Fuck you bitch! Get out of here! I wish you never come back!" I'm so harmless I can't understand this anger toward me. I kinda shrivel a bit and hold back the tears. I leave and cry in the bathroom. I feel so embarrassed. What is worse is the main teacher did nothing, and let them basically bully me.

It wasn't just the student's remarks that pissed me off but the whole situation of people not caring sitting there looking to cause trouble. In this class there is no instruction or rules. It's hopeless. It's out of my hands, but I am frustrated nonetheless.

You can tell me not to take it personally, I know it's not about me, but I am still upset at not handling it right. I have serious problems with my emotions. This happened a lot at my old job, so it's nothing new.

I told my class and we discussed it. Some student suggested I get counseling or go on meds. My teacher said the environment might not be right for me. There are larger systematic problems here that I have no control over and I hate it. I really don't want to deal with asshole students or have to dumb down everything I teach because the students don't care and/or don't have the mental capacity. I actually believe some of these kids are just dumb, as horrible as it is to say.

I might be in a better run school, but I may want to consider other options. I'm questioning the mission. Maybe I don't want to save the world. Maybe I just want to live in it...... Maybe I can't care about people who don't care. It might not be in my nature to work really hard and not be appreciated, or have that work go to waste. The demands are usually unreasonably high for teachers. I noticed this in my old job. It was like I had to be this perfect, extremely hardworking teacher to gain respect from the students whose own standards were not nearly as high for themselves.

Indoctrination U.

So today we shared teaching stories, and one fellow, Ricky was complaining that the Fellows program is trying to mold us into their image. He thinks the fellows staff is against him, and he is fighting some sort of moral battle to do "what's right."

Usually I am all about rebellion, but it's a bit early to be F-ing the system. He's very arrogant to think that he is better than the research proven strategies that the fellows preaches. He thinks he's so above everything, so special, self important, it's irritating as hell. It reminds me of someone I could have become if I had not kept myself in check.

It's higher ed. Of course they are trying to indoctrinate you. Some of the advice is good, it's actually research proven. In two years when I have my masters and few years of experience, I'll have a better sense of what works and what doesn't. Until then I might want to keep my mind open to suggestions from my superiors who have been in this business longer than I've been ALIVE!

Observed.

It went really well. WOW she tore that whole lesson apart!!! She was so honest and constructive. I felt that she believed I will make a great teacher. She told me I did things I never knew I did and wish someone told me. I flew through that material in lighting speed, I guess I was that nervous. I also say words that are way over their heads and I don't explain myself. I have to brake it down more and make sure they are with me. She said I had a natural ability to connect with the students, a certain humility. They all loved me instantly and did everything I said. My co-teacher told me I wouldn't get them to speak, but they were participating. The trainer said that I did too much teaching. I need to give up my power and allow the students time to do some of the learning. I was a little too old school lecture-esque. I did use a bunch of engaging visuals. She suggested I have some pre-written notes that they can fill in, 'cause apparently my handwriting is so god horribly awful, I know.

Strange Turn of Events

So this girl in my SAF tells me that there is some job fair today. I rush home after field training and I see it appear on my calendar and sign right up for it.

I'm late getting to class and then I rush out of there early to get to the school.

I get there and see only 3 other people. They go to City College, but I've never seen them. I am totally baffled as to what this is.

The principal takes us aside and collects our resumes. He comments twice how we are on time. Two others straggle in late.

After this long ass spiel about his school he says he has *several* positions open and will be calling us in this week to give sample lessons.

So this was a group job interview. Crazy. How did I get in? The other students there said they signed up during training last week. There were only 10 spots that filled immediately. They said they knew that girl who canceled this morning and is the reason why I saw that appear on my calendar and ended up at this interview.

Wow, God works in strange ways. It seems like an excellent school I hope this works out. It would be so nice to have a job right now. I can party (or plan) my way through August, not worrying about getting into a school the day before the school year starts.

The Wrong Side of the Bed

I slept in this morning and didn't make it to my field training until 9. I spent an hour fussing around trying figure out what I want to teach my for lesson tomorrow. It;s hard because everyone is doing their own work and there is no classroom teaching happening at this site. I have to create some sort of focus. Most of the students read this concise Che biography. I might do something with that, or maybe just a lesson on communism in general, I don't know.

The real reason I am writing this is because I'm actually really nervous for this observation. Why should I be freaking out over this? For the past year and a half I have been teaching lessons, improvising and creating my own material to teach. I can do this with my eyes closed so why the hell should I be freaking out right now.

I have this tendency to get into competitive programs and be at the top of the class and have ridiculous amounts of potential and then I get really depressed and just crack under the pressure. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to have those feelings that I'd rather be packing groceries or making lattes.

This is not a life or death situation. If I completely fail this observation, I'll still be in the program and it has no bearing on my future. In a few years I will be comfortable in my craft and a million times better off because I suffered through the beginning. If I can get through this training and the first few years I'll be much better off. It'll probably feel as easy as packing groceries, plus I'll be making a decent living and having a worthwhile job.

I need to starting working on this lesson plan.

Private vs. Public

I know that part of the mission of this program is to "reverse the achievement gap." I can't help but feel a little conflicted about the social justice aspect of this program. After all this drill about the importance of high expectations all I see in the world of these troubled kids is low expectations. Most teachers dealing with these kids freak out and quit immediately or burn out and dumb down everything, likely causing the students to internalize this feeling and act accordingly.

We had a guest speaker who talked at length about the importance of stimulating a child's curiosity. (This man had a background in psychology) And in response I shouted, "How the hell am I suppose to stimulate their curiosity when I am forced to cover a shit load state standards and make them pass these ridiculous assessments!"

I am in it for the pure joy of teaching, the joy of the discovery of new knowledge. My dream would be to empower all these fine youngsters with the necessary critical thinking skills to become morally developed and inquisitive young citizens of society. I absolutely hate all these damn state standards and assessments. That is not learning. We are teaching these kids to regurgitate a very limited naively pro-American perspective. Most students aren't even aware of half the things they learn because they have not been allowed to interact or fully contemplate the material, let alone themselves in relation to their education.

In my travels I've met a few people who attended these wacky free-spirited private institutions and they are like twenty times smarter. They actually understand and use what they learn. Private school might be the right environment for me. I would give up all my union benefits, the tenure, the damn pension I don't agree with, to have the freedom to actually educate. It's all about education. I'm starting to think that the private schools are more geared toward actual learning than the public system which offers these amazing benefit packages, but forces a watered down and uninspired state wide curriculum.

The New Placement

So today I traveled up to a far northeastern side of the Bronx. There, I was greeted by a enthusiastic vice principal who didn't bother to ask me who I was though he proceeded to go on and on about the success of his school. At least he was friendly.

I was paired up with a guy named Mr. Lynch (love it), and he's so chill, maybe too chill I'm not sure yet. The first period I watched some 12th graders doing their independent work, sitting silently. Next, a group of crazy energetic 9th graders march in, shoutin' nigger this nigger that. Now that's what I'm talking about! We each took a small group and did some guided instruction. This Lynch character is one of those people who actually believes the students will get better at the test if they just keep doing it over and over again. Come on here. When a student has 3 right out of 50 you know the problem is much larger than a little test prep. I bet they just filled in random bubbles, handed it in two hours early and bailed. You can see the lack of effort. Now how am I supposed to teach a two year course in 3 weeks!!! I can feel my young idealism setting in as I get all super ambitious in my instructional strategies to combat this practically impossible situation. How can I condense this material so they can at least make an educated guess? That is the goal. This teacher does not care about creating lesson plans, he's happy with them sitting at their desks quietly copying words out of the test booklet for the next six weeks. Well, at least he was friendly.

I just want to say that I had a decent handle on all their little shenanigans. There is a huge maturity difference between the 9th and the 12th graders. These 9th graders like to throw things, run around the room, ask inappropriate questions. This I like, no really I do. Now I am receiving the proper training. If I maintain my composure like I have been with these crazy summer school thugs, I'll be ready to go come September.

Learning to be Agreeable.

So yesterday I had my first day of field training, and it seemed like a disaster. They gave us third graders. Then, they tried to shove 6 fellows into a class of 7. Yeah. I know. And this woman was irritating me. She thinks because she was a para for 9 years she can boss me the hell around. I smiled and took her advice, and thought "fuck you, you condescending bitch!" I thought this situation was hell and rushed to call the authorities at the placement office. I filed an official appeal and will be having my online hearing shortly.

I feel like half the battle with the fellows is learning to accept all their fuck ups and maintain this shiny positive attitude in spite of it all.

Today was an entirely new story. I walk in very early and see that annoying woman, who probably slept over last night, putting up posters and playing teacher. We start talking about jobs and and she says she wants to volunteer because she doesn't feel comfortable being a teacher yet. WHAT?! Yeah so all that I-know-everything shit was a whole lotta nothing. She luckily was removed, along with another strong personality. Now I can rule the world!!! Moohaha.

So I had to request a reverse of the appeal, and be yeah... agreeable. It's really not so bad. These little fuckers make me all warm and fuzzy, great feelings to have come September when the heat is up up up.

Our Communities.

So I've been talking to the other token dyke in my SAF session. We got into this whole talk about strap-ons right before class and she is opposed to penetration, like so many lezies I have come across recently. She talked about her friend who thinks it's so straight, at least we agree that she was wrong. A girl with a dick is not a guy. But she also argued the point that even if she liked it that way she would never do it, because penetration goes against the values of the community. That's so annoying. I feel so disconnected to that line of thinking. I know some lesbians who only like penetration, so I know there are many subcultures within the culture. It all just annoys the fuck outta me. I don't see where I fit in. I'm glad I'm not trying to belong, but it can be so lonely being me. I lack people who share my own views and aren't so damn uptight!

A loaded comment.

So I had a meeting with my teacher today and we were talking about my attitudes toward teaching. I was reliving a lot of my days at east side house, explaining the tension with my coworkers and my success with the students. I said my biggest worry was not getting along with the administration and having to follow rules that I think are flawed.

Most people who refuse to do what they're told, brake the rules because they are lazy, but in my case the reasons are just the opposite. I am defiant because I think I can do it better. I want to go above and beyond and the rules are not allowing me to be the awesome teacher I strive to be. My teacher said that someone with vision and a hard work ethic such as myself maybe be pressured into administration positions. I'm not sure I want to create policy or run a school. I love teaching.

And then he said a peculiar comment... "You may find that the environment that you are teaching in is not the right place for you. Your values may be different. You might have to work in a different kind of environment." I felt as if he was telling me that the high-need urban schools were not the environment for me. He could of said, "Hey, go teach at the white people school." If these urban schools are like east side house where there is a presumption that people slack off and things are disorganized, well then he may be right. There may be something about the way I am (even beyond my whiteness) that clashes with the people and the culture. It's just a strange thing to say. I joined this program to help students in need, but maybe that's not where I will be most affective. It's certainly something to think about.

How do I be me?

Today we talked about race, forever. There is so much to say about racial stereotyping that never occurred to me when I began working with this population. I never found it a problem to be very open about my background. I also never felt like I had to make myself ghetto to teach these kids. A lot of these trainers are suggesting that I in essence "become black," and I don't agree with that. I don't see my race/sexuality as a limitation. It's being a positive and accepting white queer girl that will encourage the students to learn to work with and accept people who are different. That's the important lesson they need. Anyway, I'm not going to even try to be something I'm not. I must stay true to myself. Which brings me to another identification issue.

How the hell do I address my sexuality?

People seek a lot of comfort in knowing that I am gay. So how do I be me? Identifying as "bi" I run the risk of looking like I don't know who I am which in some ways is worse than being mislabeled. "Bi" doesn't even describe me, it's such a loaded word. I associate "bisexual" with a "straight" slut who primarily dates the opposite gender, but who fucks around with the same gender on the side. I'd rather be "Gay." They may need me to be "Gay." If I violate that assumption I can cause more harm than good. I always get harassed by people when they find out I'm not gay, especially lesbians. I learn to just be gay for the image and have my own identity that I share with people who are special to me. Only certain people deserve to know me and I say fuck the rest!

The 9 to 6 Intensity: Week 1

Hey blog. You know I really lucked out. My professor is wonderful, he's so cognitive, and a little spacey. I love my class, a real sharp group. Considering that only 9% were accepted, it's a pretty elite group of people, and yet I feel like I am dominating the conversations. I have learned so much through my prior teaching experiences. We had to say a positive and a negative about ourselves and I appropriately selected "ambitious" and "arrogant". I can't help but be a little self-assured, I'm kicking serious ass here. I feel like I'm way ahead of everyone and I have so much freakin' insight. This one guy kept saying "that's so deep" after everything I said. That's right I'm deep. I'm intense. I care too much. That's me.

Our society preaches the value of modesty and everyone is suppose to qualify themselves and degrade themselves to the all mighty god of humbleness. But I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling pride. I understand why I get arrogant, and I may want to listen a little more or at least fake some humbleness for my superiors. I know I got to play the game. It makes sense that I feel arrogant, I'm good, and I know I'm good. After today I really believe that I am going to "be something." Something big. I'm going somewhere in life. I need to get prepared for something much larger. I have very deeply rooted beliefs. When I speak very strongly about an issue, it comes straight from the gut. I know that I have their attention. My intense and unstoppable drive must be frightening. People realize early on that I am someone to know. They either try to alliance themselves with me, like the random people shouting my name down the hall, trying to get lunch with me, etc, or they form a plot to kill me.

Graduation: The Last Day

I felt so awkward there. When the students were picking up their certificates I was taking pictures instead of shaking their hands with the rest of my staff. That is how I felt the entire time I worked there. They never made me feel included. And I really worked my butt off for these kids, but it just didn't seem to be recognized. The kids knew though, and that's why my entire class disappeared this week.

My boss read the names of the students who moved to the higher level course, meaning their reading levels improved by about 4 or 5 grades. He names 10 students, and 8 out of those 10 were my kids. YEAH! Unfortunately only two remain. I can only hope that they stay when I'm gone. It's so sad to work so hard and help so many people to feel that your work is basically lost when you leave. I mean I drilled those kids and made them work, work, work. I invested so much in them and in myself as a teacher. I guess I'll just have to carry it out elsewhere.

I was ready to leave a while ago. The hardest part of this job was dealing with the staff, and not the students surprisingly. A certain vindictive staff member always tried to make me look bad by persuading me to do something wrong so she could report me. I got my share of homophobia infused with some Jesus. Most of the staff were pretty lazy and unorganized, so the schedule constantly changed, things wouldn't get done right, they would stick me with a class that wasn't mine, etc. I became so annoyed at the inefficiency of these people. They became so annoyed at my hard work and success. I'm sure if I went back to this place in five years I would see that everyone was still there, doing the same job and making the same money. This job is a dead end. I'm looking forward to starting again somewhere new.

Special Education Observation Program

So I begged and pleaded to be squeezed in, all to see a bunch of really obscene things I didn't think were possible. But that's the board of ed. for you.

Those two days were filled with a bunch of examples of "what not to do" as a teacher. I am really amazed at how crappy a lot of these teachers were. Granted a few of them were in their first year, but still. So uninspiring. I have yet to see a teacher I think has really got something worthwhile to sit through. It was like going to high school all over again. oh hell.

REMEMBER THIS: One thing I do what to point out, particularly so I don't forget. Ms. E's english class was by far the most offensive display of terrible teaching. First of all she spent most of the period screaming at everyone for everything and wondering why no one did the homework or any of the classwork, or any work for that matter. I'm not surprised lady. I had to fight an huge urge to throw something, turn a chair over, run around in circles screaming, boy I wanted to raise hell in her class. What really got me was how she spoke to them. She used this little baby voice. They are 16 for Christ's sake. What the hell? No wonder nobody wants to listen to you. And I felt bad for her, too. She looked like she wanted to kill herself. Even if you do wish to end your life, it doesn't help your students to display such an attitude.

The Title

So I've been told. I run the class like a female Napoleon. I mean you gotta do what you gotta do with some these punks. I would have never survived if I hadn't adapted this personality. Come on a little 5 foot bug's gotta compensate. I'm thankful for my ability to frighten, when need be. It just has to be done. It comes from a place of caring. I feel so often I am making up for the lack of parenting a lot of my students receive. It;s just that no one tells them "no" at home. That's what got them into the situation they find themselves in where they are at a GED program, several years away from a diploma.