Stage Fright

So I had to deliver my Intro speech for the class today. I was nervous as hell and it showed. I'm not sure how comfortable I am up there and when I taught I would fluctuate between comfort and anxiety. I shouldn't over analyze here, but I know the students see a lack of confidence and walk all over it. I know it, 'cause I've been through it.

I don't know what kind of teacher I will become, or whether I will stay in this business. I do care for the students and want them to learn, so maybe that will carry across in my teaching. Some teachers today looked like they were going to beat everyone up and I don't need to resort to that intimidation. I can be calm and yet firm. I hate to say it but confidence will be the key, and I really could use that right now.

There is a fear in the back of my head that teaching isn't the job for me. It's a great fear because I don't know what I would do instead. I don't have marketable skills, I'm not really sure what I bring to the workforce. I'm afraid that my work will be meaningless. Brian loves not working and he has been saying that he doesn't want to work. He has a huge trust fund and a bunch of money invested so he may not have to work. I wish I had that luxury.

If I didn't work would I be able to create a more meaningful life, or would working help create that meaning? I guess it depends on the job. I know there is more to life than working, but it's somewhere where I will be spending so much of my time and that time is too precious to waste. I don't want to live for my vacations, I really want to live so that I don't ever need to take a vacation. I want my life to be one big vacation.

I think I have a lawsuit

So Edmund tells me that he went in for the interview at Mott Haven and he was the only special education teacher there. I think they want him and that's it. The fact that they didn't give me a chance to interview considering that I have similar if not better credentials is a classic case of discrimination.

It is possible that they called East Side House and someone bad mouthed me. I don't think they would do that though.

I think they just saw WHITE GIRL and were like... "next".

The other job fair

So this job fair was a completely different experience. There were so many schools and it was city wide.

This time I chose to approach only the schools who had white people or seemed "white-friendly." I mean if they are going to type me well then I'll do the same thing back. I'm not wastin' my time.

This Facing History H.S. seemed very interested in me. They kept warning me that I would have to work hard and I was delighted to hear that. It's a CTT class and they don't use regents exams and instead the students present performance assessments, like exit projects. I love it. The interviewer gave me her cell phone number. That's gotta mean something.

I called her today and set up a phone date for 3pm, which is as soon as she gets back from meeting with the hiring committee. I really hope this works out. In the meantime I must pursue other leads.

Observed. Yet again...

So this time I decided to do a lesson on civil disobedience. It was 9 in the morning and I had one student. The trainer loved it. I clearly have the lesson plan thing down and I have knowledge base of the content. She was concerned about my classroom management skills, student were walking in while I was teaching and one said that it sucked that the teacher wasn't there (oh did I mention he took the whole week off!) So I should have addressed his disrespectful comment.

I told her my concern that I will plan beautiful engaging lessons, but the students will go crazy and I won't be appreciated for being a good teacher. All the administrator will see is crazy students. That happened a lot at east side house. I did significant things to bring their levels up but was still known as the teacher who couldn't control her class, so I suddenly look very incompetent in the eyes of the principal. (It pays to mention that at the time I had trouble managing them I had some crack dealing pimps, a girl who got an abortion every week, and a boy who went off his lithium from time to time. They were so wild and crazy. It felt so beyond my capacity to deal with some of these insane students. I mean literally just came out of a mental facility insane.) It's just not fair to me. That I should work so hard perfecting my craft of delivering interactive winning lesson plans, to be shat on by some of these folks who don't appreciate the hard work I put in. (or are not mature enough understand anything outside themselves) I think I need to teach at the university level.

It's the thing principals focus on. They see young white girl and they think management, management, management. It seems like all they care about. I know it's important, but there are other aspects of teaching besides crowd control.

You know this classroom management issue is a problem for a lot of women and principals know it. They probably try to hire men when they can. It is very connected to how women have been socialized as a female. Women are not natural figures of great authority, they have more of a cooperative negotiating nature, that may be good for working with adults, but can get you into big trouble with the students.

I'm playing the demographics card a lot because these principals see so many of us that they often see us as types: we are our race, age, gender, sexuality... and they rarely see us as people.

One of my biggest fears is that I will spend far too much time managing the class that I won't be able to teach these incredible awesome lesson plans. I just need to be an aggressive dictator. I need the confidence for that, which is what I lacked today. She thought I could involve all the students that came in and believe me if we were at East Side House , you know I'd be getting everyone involved and I'd go back to being myself again. I hate these damn observations.

Another Job Fair!!

So the placement office signed me up for the fair tomorrow even though it's completely full. So letting it rip on them earlier was a good thing.

I love my balzy mutt-ah

Yeah, so I finally spoke to my mom in regards to the past few days. She said I need to call the placement office and get some support. She suggested I say that I have not been given an honest chance and I need an advocate, because with the teaching experience I have this should not be happening. She's right. My strengths are not being represented, especially when principals presume to know who I am before they interview me. These presumptions on the part of these principals are beyond my control. She said I should say everything short of mentioning my race. I don't want to play that race card. She also thought it was ridiculous for me to pretend that I am stupid.


My mom cracked me up with a come-back comment, ya know if they refuse to assist me, "Don't say you can't help me, I never tell my students they can't I always say they can. Someone can help me and someone will." Ohh you had to be there.

Principals need to like me.

I need to pay attention to how I come off. I can't really be me. I have to find out what these principals want. It's so hard. I just get so excited and wacky or I feel awkward and I just don't represent myself properly. My mom told me not to ask too many questions. I take it so seriously, I start asking so many questions and the principal gets worried that he won't be able to control me. Or I will be so freakin' awesome that I will make him have to work.

It seems like these principals are mainly interested in black and hispanic people who seem very impressionable and agreeable, two qualities that I can't imagine myself having, but it would help to fake it at least for now.

I was talking about this with a special old friend of mine, Tom (ie. the current man-toy) and what he said is right, it's not about me, it's all about the principal. They are trying to create a particular community within their school. I need to fit into that community.

Some poor old shitty school will be desperate for someone and they will be lucky to have me. Then I will truly be fulfilling the fellows mission of working in a super atrocious high need school. I am concerned that a school that is run like hell may make me want to quit teaching.

It's heading downhill at the moment

Yeah. So I have been avoiding this blog because I hate to admit that things aren't go well right now. This week has been rough.

Monday/Tuesday: I did alright on my class presentation but I totally bombed my field training observation. I had a rough night so I did some quick stupid lesson I put together that morning and was soo unprepared. At least I admitted to it and didn't try to act like it was everyone else's fault.

Tuesday Job fair: There are about a dozen schools and about a few hundred teachers roaming around. I see all my classmates as we are all sitting down for interviews. A few of them went alright I guess, I see my black classmates go ahead of me, and I could see the change in the body language of the principals, they seemed well received.

I ran into the gay boy I met at that 6 person interview, I mentioned earlier, and he told me out of the 6 of us the principal called back the black girl and the Hispanic boy and the hispanic boy got the job. This flamboyant gay boy and I were clearly the best and the smartest, I told him I thought he had the position. We both bonded over this rejection.

Wednesday: I call Josh at east side house to call Mott Haven. The FV calls me and wants me to redo the lesson I bombed, next Tuesday.

Thursday: I miss field training and decide to go to Mott Haven with a lesson plan. My FV supports this. I'm being proactive. Unfortunately I travel all the way down there and I can't get into the school. Later in the day Edmund (ie. the boy I messed around with last week) tells me he just received an e-mail from them calling him in for an interview on Tuesday. I rush home and check my e-mail to find that I have not been selected. So they don't want me. I can't understand why. I doubt a call from my company's executive can make them change their mind, but we'll see. I'm actually pretty embarrassed and I don't really want to tell everyone.

Two Rough Days Ahead...

So I got home early so that I could start working. I went to the market I watched a bunch of porn, and no work has gotten done.

I need to present a lesson plan tomorrow for my class and then present a lesson for the trainer Tuesday morning. It will be the last time I am observed. I am lucky that I am not having to teach all throughout the field training like so many other people. I do a little tutoring and that's about it. After Tuesday I just show up for two for weeks and I'm done. No more work. I need this positive self talk.

I have a resistance to doing this because I don't want to face it. Being observed makes me feel inadequate. Once I have a classroom and a stable situation I can relax and stop worrying about being evaluated. Right about now I would normally pop the ritalin. I may take a pill in the morning.

No Phone Calls.

So the school I visited Monday, did not call me back. It doesn't mean they won't, but I can't expect it. I heard that other fellows at this interview were called back which makes me believe that they called who they wanted and they just didn't want me.

Hopefully the "right" school will want me. My parents will of course be shocked, shocked at the idea that their perfect daughter wasn't the first one selected.

It would be best to not share information like this with my parents. All I will say to them when the time finally arrives is "I have a job," and that's it.

Research Based Methods

So I was reading an article today that made me question what I thought earlier about research based teaching methods.

I have to remember that a lot of the outcomes of these research studies are predetermined before the research even begins. AND.. though they may be proving that these seemingly non-inquisitive strategies work to help students learn, the more important question to ask is "How do they define learning?" Is learning the ability to regurgitate facts and dates for the state exam, or does their definition of learning include the stimulation of high order thinking?

So maybe Ricky was right in questioning the system. I'm about at that point as well. The fellows program may teach me, with their research proven strategies, how to impart information to students, but the question of what is actually worth knowing or what skills are actually necessary to survive in today's modern world, are questions too large and way beyond me at this point.

I can speculate as to what is really worth knowing. It might be a healthy ongoing dialogue to have with myself as I go through this process of becoming... something...

Bad Day :(

Today my teacher at my field training school showed up an hour late. The students don't want to do any work. They are so unmotivated and they have very low skills. I feel like an asshole for saying this but I can't even try to see intelligence where there doesn't seem to be any.

The second period rolls around and the crazy kids come in. I sit and do work by myself and say, "if you need help I'm here." I don't make an effort to help anyone. Students are coming in and out. I feel a piece of paper hit me in the back and I turn to two students screwing around and tell them that's not cool, but I say it in a reserved way and not a firm way. I feel weak right now because I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know these students. One of them is a jackass and keeps repeating what I am saying back to me. I ask him to show me what he is working on. I get firmer with him. The other kid is doing nothing and shouldn't be there. I don't want to seem weak so I get tougher. I say "It is your responsibility to get your work done, you are the one who needs to pass, I could care less who threw the paper!" This not helping as the student is yelling "Fuck you bitch! Get out of here! I wish you never come back!" I'm so harmless I can't understand this anger toward me. I kinda shrivel a bit and hold back the tears. I leave and cry in the bathroom. I feel so embarrassed. What is worse is the main teacher did nothing, and let them basically bully me.

It wasn't just the student's remarks that pissed me off but the whole situation of people not caring sitting there looking to cause trouble. In this class there is no instruction or rules. It's hopeless. It's out of my hands, but I am frustrated nonetheless.

You can tell me not to take it personally, I know it's not about me, but I am still upset at not handling it right. I have serious problems with my emotions. This happened a lot at my old job, so it's nothing new.

I told my class and we discussed it. Some student suggested I get counseling or go on meds. My teacher said the environment might not be right for me. There are larger systematic problems here that I have no control over and I hate it. I really don't want to deal with asshole students or have to dumb down everything I teach because the students don't care and/or don't have the mental capacity. I actually believe some of these kids are just dumb, as horrible as it is to say.

I might be in a better run school, but I may want to consider other options. I'm questioning the mission. Maybe I don't want to save the world. Maybe I just want to live in it...... Maybe I can't care about people who don't care. It might not be in my nature to work really hard and not be appreciated, or have that work go to waste. The demands are usually unreasonably high for teachers. I noticed this in my old job. It was like I had to be this perfect, extremely hardworking teacher to gain respect from the students whose own standards were not nearly as high for themselves.

Indoctrination U.

So today we shared teaching stories, and one fellow, Ricky was complaining that the Fellows program is trying to mold us into their image. He thinks the fellows staff is against him, and he is fighting some sort of moral battle to do "what's right."

Usually I am all about rebellion, but it's a bit early to be F-ing the system. He's very arrogant to think that he is better than the research proven strategies that the fellows preaches. He thinks he's so above everything, so special, self important, it's irritating as hell. It reminds me of someone I could have become if I had not kept myself in check.

It's higher ed. Of course they are trying to indoctrinate you. Some of the advice is good, it's actually research proven. In two years when I have my masters and few years of experience, I'll have a better sense of what works and what doesn't. Until then I might want to keep my mind open to suggestions from my superiors who have been in this business longer than I've been ALIVE!

Observed.

It went really well. WOW she tore that whole lesson apart!!! She was so honest and constructive. I felt that she believed I will make a great teacher. She told me I did things I never knew I did and wish someone told me. I flew through that material in lighting speed, I guess I was that nervous. I also say words that are way over their heads and I don't explain myself. I have to brake it down more and make sure they are with me. She said I had a natural ability to connect with the students, a certain humility. They all loved me instantly and did everything I said. My co-teacher told me I wouldn't get them to speak, but they were participating. The trainer said that I did too much teaching. I need to give up my power and allow the students time to do some of the learning. I was a little too old school lecture-esque. I did use a bunch of engaging visuals. She suggested I have some pre-written notes that they can fill in, 'cause apparently my handwriting is so god horribly awful, I know.

Strange Turn of Events

So this girl in my SAF tells me that there is some job fair today. I rush home after field training and I see it appear on my calendar and sign right up for it.

I'm late getting to class and then I rush out of there early to get to the school.

I get there and see only 3 other people. They go to City College, but I've never seen them. I am totally baffled as to what this is.

The principal takes us aside and collects our resumes. He comments twice how we are on time. Two others straggle in late.

After this long ass spiel about his school he says he has *several* positions open and will be calling us in this week to give sample lessons.

So this was a group job interview. Crazy. How did I get in? The other students there said they signed up during training last week. There were only 10 spots that filled immediately. They said they knew that girl who canceled this morning and is the reason why I saw that appear on my calendar and ended up at this interview.

Wow, God works in strange ways. It seems like an excellent school I hope this works out. It would be so nice to have a job right now. I can party (or plan) my way through August, not worrying about getting into a school the day before the school year starts.

The Wrong Side of the Bed

I slept in this morning and didn't make it to my field training until 9. I spent an hour fussing around trying figure out what I want to teach my for lesson tomorrow. It;s hard because everyone is doing their own work and there is no classroom teaching happening at this site. I have to create some sort of focus. Most of the students read this concise Che biography. I might do something with that, or maybe just a lesson on communism in general, I don't know.

The real reason I am writing this is because I'm actually really nervous for this observation. Why should I be freaking out over this? For the past year and a half I have been teaching lessons, improvising and creating my own material to teach. I can do this with my eyes closed so why the hell should I be freaking out right now.

I have this tendency to get into competitive programs and be at the top of the class and have ridiculous amounts of potential and then I get really depressed and just crack under the pressure. I don't want to go through this again. I don't want to have those feelings that I'd rather be packing groceries or making lattes.

This is not a life or death situation. If I completely fail this observation, I'll still be in the program and it has no bearing on my future. In a few years I will be comfortable in my craft and a million times better off because I suffered through the beginning. If I can get through this training and the first few years I'll be much better off. It'll probably feel as easy as packing groceries, plus I'll be making a decent living and having a worthwhile job.

I need to starting working on this lesson plan.

Private vs. Public

I know that part of the mission of this program is to "reverse the achievement gap." I can't help but feel a little conflicted about the social justice aspect of this program. After all this drill about the importance of high expectations all I see in the world of these troubled kids is low expectations. Most teachers dealing with these kids freak out and quit immediately or burn out and dumb down everything, likely causing the students to internalize this feeling and act accordingly.

We had a guest speaker who talked at length about the importance of stimulating a child's curiosity. (This man had a background in psychology) And in response I shouted, "How the hell am I suppose to stimulate their curiosity when I am forced to cover a shit load state standards and make them pass these ridiculous assessments!"

I am in it for the pure joy of teaching, the joy of the discovery of new knowledge. My dream would be to empower all these fine youngsters with the necessary critical thinking skills to become morally developed and inquisitive young citizens of society. I absolutely hate all these damn state standards and assessments. That is not learning. We are teaching these kids to regurgitate a very limited naively pro-American perspective. Most students aren't even aware of half the things they learn because they have not been allowed to interact or fully contemplate the material, let alone themselves in relation to their education.

In my travels I've met a few people who attended these wacky free-spirited private institutions and they are like twenty times smarter. They actually understand and use what they learn. Private school might be the right environment for me. I would give up all my union benefits, the tenure, the damn pension I don't agree with, to have the freedom to actually educate. It's all about education. I'm starting to think that the private schools are more geared toward actual learning than the public system which offers these amazing benefit packages, but forces a watered down and uninspired state wide curriculum.

The New Placement

So today I traveled up to a far northeastern side of the Bronx. There, I was greeted by a enthusiastic vice principal who didn't bother to ask me who I was though he proceeded to go on and on about the success of his school. At least he was friendly.

I was paired up with a guy named Mr. Lynch (love it), and he's so chill, maybe too chill I'm not sure yet. The first period I watched some 12th graders doing their independent work, sitting silently. Next, a group of crazy energetic 9th graders march in, shoutin' nigger this nigger that. Now that's what I'm talking about! We each took a small group and did some guided instruction. This Lynch character is one of those people who actually believes the students will get better at the test if they just keep doing it over and over again. Come on here. When a student has 3 right out of 50 you know the problem is much larger than a little test prep. I bet they just filled in random bubbles, handed it in two hours early and bailed. You can see the lack of effort. Now how am I supposed to teach a two year course in 3 weeks!!! I can feel my young idealism setting in as I get all super ambitious in my instructional strategies to combat this practically impossible situation. How can I condense this material so they can at least make an educated guess? That is the goal. This teacher does not care about creating lesson plans, he's happy with them sitting at their desks quietly copying words out of the test booklet for the next six weeks. Well, at least he was friendly.

I just want to say that I had a decent handle on all their little shenanigans. There is a huge maturity difference between the 9th and the 12th graders. These 9th graders like to throw things, run around the room, ask inappropriate questions. This I like, no really I do. Now I am receiving the proper training. If I maintain my composure like I have been with these crazy summer school thugs, I'll be ready to go come September.

Learning to be Agreeable.

So yesterday I had my first day of field training, and it seemed like a disaster. They gave us third graders. Then, they tried to shove 6 fellows into a class of 7. Yeah. I know. And this woman was irritating me. She thinks because she was a para for 9 years she can boss me the hell around. I smiled and took her advice, and thought "fuck you, you condescending bitch!" I thought this situation was hell and rushed to call the authorities at the placement office. I filed an official appeal and will be having my online hearing shortly.

I feel like half the battle with the fellows is learning to accept all their fuck ups and maintain this shiny positive attitude in spite of it all.

Today was an entirely new story. I walk in very early and see that annoying woman, who probably slept over last night, putting up posters and playing teacher. We start talking about jobs and and she says she wants to volunteer because she doesn't feel comfortable being a teacher yet. WHAT?! Yeah so all that I-know-everything shit was a whole lotta nothing. She luckily was removed, along with another strong personality. Now I can rule the world!!! Moohaha.

So I had to request a reverse of the appeal, and be yeah... agreeable. It's really not so bad. These little fuckers make me all warm and fuzzy, great feelings to have come September when the heat is up up up.