Stage Fright

So I had to deliver my Intro speech for the class today. I was nervous as hell and it showed. I'm not sure how comfortable I am up there and when I taught I would fluctuate between comfort and anxiety. I shouldn't over analyze here, but I know the students see a lack of confidence and walk all over it. I know it, 'cause I've been through it.

I don't know what kind of teacher I will become, or whether I will stay in this business. I do care for the students and want them to learn, so maybe that will carry across in my teaching. Some teachers today looked like they were going to beat everyone up and I don't need to resort to that intimidation. I can be calm and yet firm. I hate to say it but confidence will be the key, and I really could use that right now.

There is a fear in the back of my head that teaching isn't the job for me. It's a great fear because I don't know what I would do instead. I don't have marketable skills, I'm not really sure what I bring to the workforce. I'm afraid that my work will be meaningless. Brian loves not working and he has been saying that he doesn't want to work. He has a huge trust fund and a bunch of money invested so he may not have to work. I wish I had that luxury.

If I didn't work would I be able to create a more meaningful life, or would working help create that meaning? I guess it depends on the job. I know there is more to life than working, but it's somewhere where I will be spending so much of my time and that time is too precious to waste. I don't want to live for my vacations, I really want to live so that I don't ever need to take a vacation. I want my life to be one big vacation.