Things were better today.

I had a reading for the students to do. It made a huge difference in the eyes of Mrs. A. She wants to see them read and write and the core curriculum requires it. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out what is important information, so that I can teach that more thoroughly and leave time to cover it and reinforce that knowledge.

Who do you think you are!?

What nerve you have tearing up an aspiring teacher who understandably has little experience, when you're not so good yourself!

Torn up and Spit out.

So I finish delivering my lesson and realize that I didn't get to the reading. I get so pissed at myself and my mentor teacher tries to calm me, saying that these kids take longer to write down the notes, and not to worry. Well, 8th period I thought I would be free of the harsh criticism of Mrs. A, but I could not escape it. She came in at the end of the class ripped me to shreds over my lesson. It really wasn't that different than the lesson the other teacher taught. And she has such a harsh way to criticizing me. She shoot me down and yells "No! You're Wrong!" She asked me to define "Golden Ages" and mid-sentence she cuts me off and yells, "NO!" "You must have a clear and precise definition, you need to know the content!" That was a basic question she was asking, that I was attempting to answer, but couldn't. So rude. I know she wants me to do well, but I have a weird feeling that it gives her a sadistic satisfaction to shoot me down. I can't yell back, I won't yell back. I just need to survive at this point. I hate being spoken to in such a degrading way, and having to take it because I don't want conflict. If I did even say one thing back to her, I know it would blow up and permanently wreck the somewhat decent relationship I have been able to maintain with her. I just need to let her scream and yell, and somehow not let it bother me. Challenging, I know.

Another Sunday Night Meltdown

I thought I had it all figured out, but I didn't. How do you teach students about something you have no interest in? I hate ancient China, especially the Tang and Song Dynasties. It's so boring and awful. I can't seem to find a way to make this interesting. I also have trouble sorting out the important information, as there is so much boring awful information I could impart about this time period. Now I know why Mark seemed so sad during this unit. It sux. How do you teach stuff that you don't want to learn yourself? I have no interest, I don't care, so how am I going to make them care? In my opinion, having to know something for an exam is not enough of a motivation. I have to somehow make it significant. I will probably be up all night, spending a good part of that time in freak-out mode, and then get it together at 3am. It sux that I have to waste so much time and sleep getting worked up about this. It's like I have to remind myself, yet again, that the world is not going to end, and I'm not going to die as a result of this lesson. Another thing that is weighing on my mind is the fact that Mrs. A, won't be there. She is usually better at getting the kids to settle down. I know there is that added challenge of them freaking out more than usual. I can't wait until I can get a placement of older more mature students, and not have to worry about Middle School behavior. What is bothering me more right now... the fear of them freaking out? or, failing to deliver a winning lesson? I think it's actually the first more than the second. I usually believe that the kids will be more focused if they are engaged. I'm not sure that is entirely true. I'm not sure that engagement is possible with such dry subject matter. I may be better off having many different activities, some variation. There are aspects to this unit that are so complex and boring the explain, I am afraid of losing their attention. I need to focus on the essential facts, and go from there.

Kids Need Structure.

Today I put up the do now, as I always do. I wanted them to list three causes and three effects of the crusades. As I walked around I noticed that some students were struggling. I decided to write down "causes" and list three bullet point and then write "effects" with three bullet points below that. I told the students that their sheet needed to look like mine. What a huge difference! When we went over it in class, I had them fill in the answers they didn't get and told them I was collecting it. I can't assume that students know how to write lists, I have to guide them in the process.

Observed.

So I can finally say that I am on the other side, and I survived once again. My professor gave me wonderful feedback. It was especially nice to hear that I had great time management. She understood that my students had been "packet-ed," and that was the reason why they were hard to draw out. I am starting to feel more confident. I may turn out to be good at this. I feel legit.

The week is over. Let's Party!

I made it through my first week of teaching. I started with only one period and advanced to four periods. I thought I would never be able handle the students or handle myself for that matter, but I did. I did not let any negative situation hurt me emotionally, and I think that is the most important accomplishment of all. I have something to be proud of, and I am ready for observation. Bring it! I'm also very happy with the partnership I have created with Mark. I wasn't sure at first, maybe it was just the nerves, but he has calmed down quite a bit. Maybe it's my competency, he respects me as an equal. We share all of our materials. I have three teachers mentoring me right now, the two in my class and his teacher. This has really turned out to be the best placement ever. I don't want to leave.

Valentine's Day, an excuse to load kids with sugar.

I successfully managed a group of already rowdy children, filled with sugar in the last two periods of the day. I rock. Although they are high energy, I find that when I can calm them down that energy is channeled into the classwork. The second period class does not suffer from obnoxiousness or immaturity, but they are so checked out it is hard to get them engaged. In some ways I prefer the ADD crazy kids that want to learn over the "I'm too cool" type of students ever present in the morning. Mrs. Ammirato wrote her usual laundry list of criticisms, but she only mentioned a few, phew! She did compliment my ability to handle a wild child in a minimal way that did not interfere with class. I went over to his desk and stood there giving him that "teacher look." He knew he did something bad, and straighten himself out. I find that I am getting less emotionally entangled. That's crazy that I would be so strong so soon. I will stay with this positive feeling. It is so exhausting to maintain an orderly classroom, but it feels really good when it is accomplished.

Criticism Overload!

Today I took over the 8th period, ya know, the immature class. I went through a Powerpoint about social roles during Feudalism. I didn't realize the time. I went on and on and on and on and on. Opps. I must have lectured for thirty minutes or more! And for a class that is the age of little middle schoolers that's wayyyy too long. My mentor teacher spoke to me after class and ran through a long list of notes she made while I was teaching. She must be in her seventies, and heavily out of touch with modern times. Instead of sandwiching her comments (ex. good, bad, good), she bombarded me with advice. She is hard to communicate with because she is so strongly opinionated and old-school. I know she is trying to help, I know she cares, so it's okay. In that situation the best thing to do is accept everything she says graciously, because there is no room for discussion. I need to let the old wise lady have her way. I am here to soak it all up like a giant sponge. Whatever I choose to do with this feedback, well, that is entirely up to me.

packets, packets, and more packets

So my mentor teachers are in love with packets! Shitty shitty packets. The ol' drill and kill education. This is the perfect way suck the life out of a subject, and boil the long and exciting soap opera we call history down to some sheets of shit. I am so disgusted I have nothing more to say at this time.

At last.. No longer virginal.

Finally. I am on the other side. I have busted through my own emotional resistance. I did it. I taught. No one died. Actually, it went rather well. The first two periods are the better behaved and higher level students. They were hard to draw out, but I think I held their attention. The teacher had me ease into it, by doing a quiz with the students on a brain pop clip. Good idea. Just standing in front of the class held to calm some of the nerves. The last two periods are the most unstable. The 7th period kids are the obnoxious ones, and the 8th period kids are the immature goofy ones. I feel like the 7th period lesson went the best. The kids are a little disruptive, but they have more energy and they were more engaged. The other two teachers didn't leave me hanging, they came in to deal with the kids who were acting up, so I could keep teaching. I know eventually I will need to step in, but the support is nice in the beginning.

Sunday Night Gitters...

I had a freak-out Sunday night. I was an emotional mess anticipating that I would be taking over the class this week, standing in front of those angry children. It's too soon. What if all hell explodes in this classroom to the point where desks are flying and I have to worry about the safety of these kids. My parents can't deal with me, my ex-ex-manfriend is treating this like an obligation. I wish I was more excited. I should be.

I may be starting to thicken...

I did fine today. I didn't get upset by the students who were acting out. I may be okay when the time comes to teach. I needed that day to freak out in order to calm down. Now the challenge is in cramming all that content down. That will be the goal for this weekend.

Would you rather be Caring or Intimidating?

In this business I'd rather be the big scary black man than the small white woman. But I have no choice. I was born in this tiny body. So I have to work with what I got. Maybe, just maybe I will learn to channel my inner big scary black man in tough times when I need to be thick-skinned. Most people develop thick skin over time. Well, a lot more time has to pass before I can develop this outter shell, so I have to be patient. It will happen. I will be mentally tough. Eventually, hopefully before I grow too old and become too burnt out trying to find myself.

You can take your arrogance and shove it!

This is my message to a not-so-humble teacher. I have observed you teach. You seem to have a solid base of content knowledge. You have a good class presence and happen to be teaching the most well-behaved students. You're lucky. You have a nice gig and you're doing a good job. BUT... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You do not know everything that there is to know about the teaching profession. I am sick of you talking in such a condescending tone about everything that you know. You are so quick to shoot down most of what I say, so there's no point in really saying anything. I know you don't care. It's really all about you. All I want to do is keep a friendly working relationship with you. I am not below you. We are in the same position on even ground here. If you fail to recognize that it's fine. I will do my own thing and be my own success story. This is all still new to me. I haven't taught in a while. Once I am able to get a handle on this I can shine through and be my own good teacher. I look forward to that happening.

So what makes a good lesson/teacher?

I observed Mark's teacher today because I had a sub. Mr. D is so animated and dynamic. He jumps on top of one of the desks and dances around the room, shouting and making strange sounds. Wow! He is getting into the content, making high level connections and seems to have a Phd level of knowledge. I'm impressed with his charisma, and on the surface it looks like excellent teaching, for sure. I remember when I was a confident teacher and my personality showed through and I was able to engage students and give my lessons a personal touch. But are his students learning anything?! Well, I'm not sure. When I measure his lesson up against the framework that I received last night in class, I'm not so sure the students have the content. I circulate the class and find that some students have filled out the graphic organizer on the causes of the crusades while others have barely made a dent in it. I guess that's the honors way of doing things, you either sick or swim, and no one is there to make sure that you have it. By "it," I mean whatever the point of that lesson was.

The First Day Blues

I finished the first day at White Plains.  I thought it was manageable after the first three periods, but I nearly lost it after 7th and could barely hold it together 8th.  I hid behind the desk for most of 8th period.  AHHHH!!! Crazy Kids!  There really weren't that bad.  I just had a flashback to when I was in the Bronx and they were several times worse.  Since I know how bad it can get I am picturing in my mind the desks flying around the room and the students all out of their seats running all over the room screaming.  Professor was right.  I have Post-Traumatic Stress disorder.  And it's from my last job.  At one point, I think it after the third trip to the bathroom I could see as I looked in the mirror, I had tears rolling down my face. I could stop it at that point.  I was completely engulfed by my emotions.  I can't let this happen.  I can't have them see me like this.  I think they already know I'm weak.  Somehow I have to control my emotions.  Right now it seems out of my control.

New Placement!

Now I can begin again. Ivan pulled through, he may have really righted this situation and gave me a great chance. I appreciate his work on hooking this up for me. I will be in White Flat HS working with the ever-opinionated Mrs. A, according to my buddy Jen who works there. She said this woman is crazy, but in a good way, and thinks it's funny I was matched with her. I have a feeling I might get more involved in this placement. I can't wait to start. I have all of the those nervous excited feelings. This could be tough. I want to make sure I'm on it. I want to make a good impression and blend all nicely with the school culture. I anticipate that I will find White Flat to be less stuffy and more down to reality. The view of the teachers toward special education students may be more welcoming as well, I will want to pay attention to that. I hope I can handle this placement, and go in their like a pro teacher. I hope these teachers set me up good, in terms of helping me with planning and delivery (management). I want to be in there, so I know I need a supportive practice ground in order to work out the kinks and come out of this with some serious experience. Let's go.

I'm Really Pissed at this Placement Officer

I handed in my paperwork several weeks early, I was prepared. He was not. He should have been more knowledgeable about my requirements and communicated clearly to the school what I needed to accomplish during my time there. If he did, B-Mountain HS would have told them that I couldn't take over the class and he could have made other plans. Instead I was tossed into this school that cannot fulfill this assignment, and left to find a new placement last minute, a few weeks into the semester. Who is going to take me now? They weren't already planning on having a student teacher, and now they need to take me on and let me completely take over their class. I need to keep my head high and hope for the best. It is hard to stay positive, especially when your own school has so royally screwed you over, but I need to stay in a positive place. I will need to hold off on the complaints until another week goes by. Give him a chance to make this right. I may be getting the best of all worlds here. It may work out in the end. Just keep on going!

Surprise! You're teaching today.

So today I came in expecting to do my usual observation in the back of the room. Mr. Z decided that I would be going through two worksheets while he wrote a lesson for his APPR observation on Wednesday. He gave me two work sheets to do with the students on opportunity cost. I read through the instructions with the students and helped them fill it out. Had I been told in advance that I would be teaching I would have created my own materials to supplement these sheets. I had a feeling I wouldn't make it to the end and suggested that I should go over current events with them. He ensured that I would have enough to do. The lesson went alright, as engaging as a worksheet can be. I looked at the clock when I was done and five minutes remained. I actually said out loud to the students, "oh crap, here are those five minutes again." At least I can laugh about it. I shouldn't be so hard on myself because everything else went fine. It's just that I need to work on pacing. Mr. Z could have drawn out those worksheets for double the time I taught them, with lecture and notes. My style is to just get it done and move on to the next thing. That's what I did. I think if I had more content knowledge to draw upon I would have been able to fill up the time. I can't wait until I know this content as well as these veteran teachers, but that will take time. If I had known I would be teaching today I could have created an activity to do to review the terms or add multimedia. I can't wait until I have my own class, where it's no longer a surprise that I am teaching, as that's what I have been hired to do.

Thursday: My First Lesson

So today I presented a lesson on Opportunity Cost. Before today, I did not know what the term meant, and now I've researched it inside and out. It takes a surprising amount of time to create a lesson plan. I decided to make Powerpoint slides, so it would be easier to remember each concept I wanted to explain. I started by reviewing scarcity and explaining how the scarcity of time forces us to choose. When choosing between two options it is the benefits of the choice that we didn't make that is our "opportunity cost." I had the students fill out a worksheet where they listed the positive and negatives of two vacations options. They shared their dream vacations and found the opportunity cost of that decision. The global application of opportunity cost is explained in the expression "guns or butter," which means that a country may spend more money on defense at the opportunity cost of what they would be gaining with increased domestic spending. I'm not sure that the students understood that "guns or butter" didn't actually mean guns or butter, but was a metaphor. My cooperative teacher recommended that I speak slower and repeat the definitions. I should have asked each student to explain them to check for understanding. Instead I had them choose a term from the hat, write the definition and pass the term to the person on their right who then shared it with the class. Overall the lesson went well. I need to work on pacing and presenting the content in a clear voice. I also would have loved to teach this lesson to a larger class to work on classroom management.

Now, you acknowledge me?!

So Mrs. C, who did not want me to be involved in anyway in her class, decided to impart some advice to me today. She said that I will be doing a ton of reading in the beginning. She said that I need to create a curriculum map and carefully decide the content I need to cover. She was debating whether to cover the Armenian genocide, but then said, well "What about all the other genocides?" It could lend itself to a comparative study of modern genocide which would be interesting, but it make the students depressed. You don't want your teaching to be depressing. She might have made a good point about sheltering the students from some of the evil in the world. I would want to give them enough evil to make them angry and want to take action, but not so much that they become depressed themselves. Great point I never fully considered.

Wednesday: An Important Moment

So little smart-ass Matt came into the resource room period before his Global II class, unprepared. He had an answer for everything, which led Mr. Z to ask, "What is the meaning of life?" Matt took the textbook and put himself into "the box," which is the detention room across the hall. Mr. Z sent me after him, warning me not to be the "bad cop." I was a little pissed at this kid. He misses school every other day, never does his work, and thinks he is too smart and too cool to go to school. It was like pulling teeth to get him through the assignment. He was content with printing out the answers on Quizlet. I knew he wasn't going to write down the answers, so I tried to get him to talk about them. I remember Mrs. C asking the class why Africa was known as the "Dark Continent." I searched the answer and asked him to read it. As soon as Matt was done printing the terms out, I had him read it again. In class Mrs. C asked the question, and Matt's hand went up. No one else knew the answer. He made me proud. As he left class I told him what a great job he did, and he said he did it so that I looked good. Not the motivation I was looking for, but I'll take it. You have to cherish these small break through moments. It's not everyday that an arrogant punk-ass kid makes an effort.