The Last Class

I was unable to teach them Monday and Tuesday due to all the interviewing. I left them with an assignment to create a presentation of a famous innovator of the Renaissance. I wanted them to use outside research to learn more about the early life, accomplishments and death of each person. When I came back Wednesday I asked the psycho lady whether they finished the assignment. She said they did some work on it but she had to stop them because there was more important work they needed to complete (ie. the crap in the back of the textbook). The students were eager to share their knowledge with the class. As they each gave their presentations I displayed images of each of the people and their major works such as the Pieta, the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, David, etc. I asked them at the end of class to provide feedback on my teaching. I started by asking them what they liked the most of the class. Most of them said they liked the videos and giving presentations. I asked what they liked least and the same pain in the butt who flung the rubber bands said that I spent too long on each chapter and she is used to finishing them much sooner. Another student was quick to speak out and got on her case, upset she would say that and I thanked her for the feedback. I said that I wanted to make sure that they learned the material on a deeper level beyond the textbook. I appreciated their feedback. It made me more confident in my methods. They learned best when they knew the material well enough to teach the class. I learned more in this placement because I had more freedom to explore different methods and it was easier to learn differentiation working with a smaller group of students. I'm happy about the way this placement ended.

She left me alone...

On Friday afternoon the psycho lady left me alone in the class while she was showing a Poe video. She didn't say when she was coming back. I thought about leaving the room if things became too hectic. Initially a few students were throwing rubber bands. I went over to remove the bands, but the student would not hand them to me. Then the rubber band flinging stopped. Then things settled down, a little chatter but most of them were paying attention. The movie ended and the psycho had failed to return. I handed out the reading, but there was only five minutes left of class and no one was in the reading mood. One of the students jumped up to the IPad, and my first thought was that she would put some horrible rap video, something bad and inappropriate. Instead she put on Sesame Street. It was awesome. I was taken back to my childhood. It was a happy ending to the day. The psycho lady returned during the last minute of class to all the silly singing puppets. It was great. She thought it was so uncool, and that's why it was cool. A weird rebellion against this angry woman.

Good Lesson, Bad lesson

I taught two periods today. Ever since that easy test I've been wanting to challenge the students. I spent a good amount of time creating a three page guided reading that provides questions from the chapter. I don't like the easy questions the textbook provides. I spent the morning reviewing the spread of Islam and then I went back into the Crusades. We had a lively discussion while watching the BBC special. One student could not figure out why people listened to the Pope and believed that they would go to heaven. I explained the differences between the Middle Ages and the Renaissance in terms of the mentality of the people. It was awesome. They loved it. I felt like a teacher, a good teacher. For the second lesson I had the students answer the guided reading questions. If they remembered anything we learned in the first class they should have had the answers to the first five questions. They were upset. They were so unhappy and rebellious. "Why we gotta do this?" I guess they loved watching the video and discussing the material. It's easy on them, and they are less accountable for their work. The problem is that they are so resistant to reading. They hate it. Tomorrow I think I will have them read the textbook aloud and do the questions along with them. They need the support, even if they don't want to admit it. I may show a short funny video about the Crusades to break up the reading and give them something to discuss other than the book. The major challenge is getting the material to stick in their brains. They forget it the minute they learn it. The only reason they knew the last test content is because we went over it so many times. I can't move at the pace that I want. I also can't get as in depth into the content. I'm learning that teaching self contained sped kids is more about methods than content. I have to decide whether I want to be a counselor/mentor type teacher or a mini-professor. That's one basic difference between general and special Ed.

A Bad Review

My plan was to get a recommendation letter from the two teachers in WP in addition to psycho lady. It takes a while to get a response. I hear back from Mrs. B, and I almost regret asking in the first place because it was not was I was expecting. She rejects sending a letter and says that she feels that she could not write what I would want for my portfolio. I'm getting scared about my evaluation. I worked so hard in that placement and gave these kids actual instruction. I didn't bore their lives with packets. I found ways to make the content interesting. I feel so unappreciated for my efforts. I also don't understand why she would feel that way about me. I guess she wants people who are carbon copies of herself. It also could have been something weird like a bias she had against me from the beginning. Maybe she felt I was too young or gay or something that made her not like me having nothing to do with my teaching ability. Also, I feel that she should be realistic that I am a new teacher and look for potential rather than ending results. The teacher that I will be in two, five, ten years will be so different that who I am right now. Now that I had some time to cool off I cannot let her reject affect my view of myself as a teacher. I believe that I will grow into a fantastic teacher. I've come so far in such a small amount of time. As long as I keep that drive to grow further I will certainly rise above my current ability and probably surpass this woman's 50 years of experience, and it may only take half that time or less!

Student Centered Instruction is so Rewarding!

So today I was missing a few students, but I had students today that I didn't have yesterday. I had plans to show a video clip about the black death, and play a jeopardy game as review for the test tomorrow. I had to scale back those plans when I realized that half the class (two students) didn't show up for Thursday or Friday and missed a lot of instruction. I spent the first class reviewing the vocabulary and giving them the quiz. For the second class I did the same exercise I did with the boys on Friday. Let's see how this works with the girls. A another huge success. Instead of passively writing the notes these students were searching the textbook for the answer to a series of questions on a topic and presenting that information to their peers. They did a great job, I was so proud of them. I think they enjoyed teaching each other. This method of instruction seems to help them with retention as well. At one point one of the girls said to the other, "you're so smart," after she made her presentation. It is so valuable for them to demonstrate their knowledge. It is also rewarding. Why should I stand in front of the class and tell them the content as they sit there passively. The next step I want to eventually go with these students is to have them write questions about information that is not included in the text, especially if they are curious about the answer. I can have them fond the answer on the internet or through another source. They can start to learn how conduct research.

Reflection time

So I shed some wasted tears over this situation. I thought I was getting stronger. The only thing I wanted was to not react emotionally. I'm glad that I didn't cry in front of the students. I'm also glad that one of students stood up for me. That makes me feel good. My psycho lady teacher has set the situation up badly from the beginning. The only thing these kids respond to is her yelling and ridiculing them. I will never stoop to that level. I will never "join them" as she has and curse back at them. I'm not sure of the appropriate way to deal with an obnoxious kid. The only tactic that I have seen work is to do everything that is the opposite of who I am. It seems like the only thing stopping them is fear, fear of looking bad in front of other students or fear of an intimidating adult. There must be a way to handle these kids without becoming one of them. To some extent I might have to accept that I may not be the best person for the job when it comes to aggressive students.

That annoying thorn in my side

I had a great day, I was planning on walking out happy and proud of myself. Instead I walked out crying. It happened again. A situation went down and I couldn't stop myself from getting emotional. Let me start at the beginning. After that awesome class, the English class begun and it had most of the same students. She hit play on the audio book and walked out. I thought she was returning soon, I had no idea where she went and this obnoxious kid Irwin starting roaming around the room distracting students. A student asked if I was going to wait until she came back and then I said something to Irwin. He said, "Was I asking you?" I had to address that. I said that he was being disrespectful and it was no way to address an adult. One of my 9th grade students said he was acting mean and he shouldn't do that. I agreed with the student and by this point everyone is laughing, and this laughter is the only thing I can hear. I just went back to my seat and went on the computer and ignored him. Psycho lady came back, I told her he was disrespectful to me and she said, "that's how he is to everyone." She didn't do anything. I was so mad at this point I went into Mr. C's class and spent the rest of the period there. I cried a little as I was surfing the web trying to get my mind off of what happened.

I found a teaching style that worked!

Yesterday, the psycho lady insisted on giving them their notes to copy for the period. So today I asked her which notes and she didn't give me a straight answer. I had a feeling I would end up creating something on the fly. After third period I have them one more time and she suggested that I read the notes to them. So she was so adamant about having them write their notes and then changed her mind. So I created a lesson that would help prepare them for the test next Tuesday. Instead of copying the notes down, I had them each pick a topic, such as knights, life on the manor, black death, and fall of Rome. They had four questions that they used the textbook to answer. After they answer the questions I had each of them teach the class about their topic. They loved it! They loved teaching the other students and showing off their knowledge. We had some nice discussions about it too. The psycho lady told us to shut up at one point. And I just said, "she can't be talking to us," and kept that denial. She doesn't understand that we were having a lively discussion about the material. Just because they were animated doesn't mean it wasn't academic. I'm standing right there too! I'm glad I handled it as a small issue and moved on ('cause I was really pissed inside). I need to try more peer tutoring and have students give more presentations. They rocked!

The Cloisters was a success!!

The students really liked the Cloisters museum. I wasn't expecting that reaction. They couldn't relate to the modern art in Vassar, but medieval art was more exciting to them. The tour guide was amazing. In comparison to the art history undergrad students we had at Vassar, this guy knew his material and engaged the students. They loved that they could enter a part of a real church that was shipped from Europe. They loved the atmosphere, the gardens and the building and how it was recreated to look like it did back then. It was so impressive that the art was in decent shape for being ohh.. a thousand years old and all. They loved the unicorn tapestries. All of the pieces told a story about Jesus. I need to store this trip away for when I teach. I need to get Ross to lead my group, if he's still there.

Vassar Was Okay.

It was a good trip. They have a nice collection of art at Vassar, some big names. I'm not sure if the students liked it, but they had their art history majors take us on a tour. They asked the students to describe a few paintings and explained the differences between each artist's style. They had a lot of the Hudson River School paintings and it was nice to see art of the local landscape. I'm glad we only went to the museum and did not take a tour of the school. Vassar is such a pretentious school, I bet it would have turned them off to the idea of going to college. Many of the students on this trip wouldn't qualify to get into Vassar, nor would they be interested in such a non-practical education. Many of them are planning on trade schools or community colleges. I feel that this trip was more for Mr. S than for the students, but they may have gotten something from the experience. It will be nice to compare the contemporary art of Vassar with the Medieval art at the Cloisters museum.

Two Inappropriate Trips

So Mr. S has decided to take the students to Vassar tomorrow and the Cloisters Museum on Thursday. Two bad choices. None of these students will qualify to get into Vassar, so it's loading them with a bunch of false hope. It is also so disconnected from their interests. Why not take them to Lehman college and show them all the athletic facilities. They can get excited about that school. The Cloisters has a bunch of Medieval art that they won't relate to. Why not take them to Moma or the Met where there is a wider range of art and require them to write about the paintings. Students are not held accountable for anything on these trips. It's not a bad idea to make them write reflections, rather than hand them a notebook and leave it up to them. If students were forced to watch these TED talks about art, they might have liked them. Since they had the choice, they don't know what they're missing. Part of what education should do is force students out of their comfort zone and expose them to different ideas. Learning can take place when they least expect it, and it's beautiful when that happens.

Another Wasted Day

Let me give you the run-down of my unproductive day of hell. My idea of hell is a day with no plan, where I am supposed to sit in a chair for four hours and then move to another chair and sit there until the day is over.

7:30am- I arrive to get the last parking spot. I wait outside his class until 7:50am

8:00am- Students arrive and help themselves to some bagels. Students sit and talk for over an hour

9:30am Mr. S takes students to the library to view TED talks on the computers but only four students comply, the rest sit and talk.

10:00am Mr. S takes the students outside, and I sit with three students who want to watch the videos. We watch them for several hours.

1:00pm The pizza arrives and twenty students wolf down five pies in less than five minutes

1:04pm Mr. S takes everyone back outside until dismissal. Another painful hour and fifteen minutes of nothing.

2:15pm Bell rings. Freedom! Students leave painfully bored.

They must have felt like they were punished for not having the money or the proper behavior to go on the more exciting trips. As they logged onto the computer the school's homepage displays pictures of the students at the Magic Kingdom. I'm sure they are having fun, but I still don't see the educational significance.

This School Sucks!!

This week is intersession week. Students are on various trips, some went to Disney World, some are Skiing in Colorado. The students I'm chaperoning had to stay home, either because they're bad kids no one wanted on their trips or they're broke and can't pay for the plane ticket. Since my cooperating teacher is in Colorado, I was assigned to Mr. S's class. He says he's in CSE meetings on Monday and since no instruction is taking place he says I can go in on Wednesday and Thursday for the two trips. I get a phone call yesterday from the micro managing asst principal. She is wondering where I am and why I wasn't at the school. I explain that Mr. S said I was only needed for the trips. She said I have to be there all week, so I apologize and say that I will be in tomorrow. The next day I realize why she cared that I was missing. She wanted me to sub for Mr. S's class while he was in meetings and not pay me for it. Figures. They spent the entire day in the library bored out of their minds!!

Weird political conflicts

So Mr. C has invited me to join him next week on his intersession trip. I have been assigned to go with Mr. S and his college tour museum trip. I told psycho lady and she insisted that I ask the VP and said that her students weren't going on that trip. I think she's pissed that I hang out in this other teacher's class. She is jealous that I have taken a liking to him. He's a really silly guy. He's middle aged and really fat and ugly, so in her shallow point of view I bet she was not expecting me to like him. I know she is concerned that I and her students think she is cool. I am friendly to her and agree with all her stupid petty complaints, but I am incapable of liking her. I have no respect for her. I have yet to see her teach the students. She doesn't work with them or help them on any of the crap she makes them do. Everyday she has a new worksheet or questions from the textbook, and sits at her desk while the students work, dishing out empty threats about giving tests and quizzes while they freak out in boredom.

I'm takin' over.

I've already started teaching the global 9 class. The psycho lady only wants me to teach her Global 9 class third period and help out in the other classes. I offered to take over all three classes but she only wants me to teach her non-regents class. I think it is also that she is threatened by me. I believe I would do a better job prepping them for the regents exam and vary my methods beyond the usual seat work she assigns for her convenience. I have decided to make the most of this placement. I helped the students do their textbook questions and did little mini-lectures and discussions about the unit. I will find a way to teach these kids, even if it is not in the formal lesson plan teaching format. They just need someone who cares about them and is willing to help them.

Holocaust Survivor

I decided to go on a trip with Mr. C's class to a Yonkers Jewish center to hear from a Holocaust survivor. It was incredible. I'm so glad that I went. I remember him saying that he had committed horrible atrocities to stay alive, but he didn't want to go into detail. When a classmate asked about his family he said that someone at a camp pointed to the fire coming out of the chimney at the crematorium and saying that is what happened to them. What was most memorable for me was when he talked about the transport from one camp to another. He said that it was a six hour trip that the Nazis made into a three week trip. Every car was packed solid with a hundred people. They would leave the cars on side tracks for days while other trains passed through. He was only given a small piece of bread in the morning, a cup of water at lunch and a small piece of bread for dinner. He said that the train became more roomy as the trip went on and the mattress was soft (I am assuming he means that so many people died that he lay across their bodies to sleep). Out of three thousand people, only about 250 survived the trip. Almost the same amount of people died in transit as they did in the concentration camps, and that was the point. Most of the people that survived the train were between the ages of 16 and 20, anyone older or younger could not handle it. After three days in Auschwitz he met a Czech cook that he knew from his hometown. This cook made him part of the staff and hid there for nine months, carrying back food stuffed in his jacket to his people. After he was rescued from the camp he was put into sanitarium for five weeks. It took him a while before he could speak. He went back to the camps with his wife a few years ago and would not walk into the exhibit. She saw a picture of him in his striped clothing, looking thin and frail and screamed in horror at the sight. This trip was a life changing experience, and I'm glad that the students had this opportunity because I did not remember ever seeing a Holocaust speaker as a child. In the not-too-distant future there will be no opportunities to hear these survivors speak and ask them questions. It is important to keep the truth alive.

It's nice to know that I am missed.

I left a few minutes early to deliver some student work to my former placement. I walked in at the end of the period and all the students were so delighted to see me. They were so happy and excited. They all wished me luck in my future and said they really missed me. Wow! That feels great to get that kind of reception. So they do have positive memories of me, and maybe I did touch their lives just a little bit in my short time with them. Once I start taking over psycho lady's classes I may feel the urge to do all the teaching, just to give these students some dose of education before I leave. It would make her so happy for me to teach everything,'cause then she could sit on her ass. I can't wait for this placement to end!

It's all about me!

So I've come to the conclusion today that my cooperating teacher has a narcissistic personality disorder. She barely taught them today, due to all of the yearbook pictures she wanted to take care of. She said she was feeling really stressed out. She was planning on me taking over the 3rd period class and reading the textbook and terms, so she would be free to wander around the building. I said that's fine, I would love to teach the class but I'm not sure that it is legal for you to leave the room while I teach. She left me alone this morning and it thankfully didn't get too out of hand. I know there are some troubled students in these classes and I would hate for a fight to break out and to be the one that is responsible. Her response was that all student teachers are typically left alone when they teach, so it's the way things are done in the school. She reassured me that she wouldn't leave me alone with the really tough kids. I guess I can deal with that for now. If I get truly uncomfortable I may take some action. It's too soon to take a stand, even though I know that I am right and she is once again being unprofessional. I want to pick my battles, because I have a feeling that anything I do say will probably be disregarded as she has not been the best listener. She ended up dumping the students in the gym because she only had two. In her mind you shouldn't teach anything if you have only two kids. I view it differently. These two kids should benefit the most from coming to class. They should get rewards and have a productive day of learning so they can be light years ahead of those who failed to show. After 5th period the psycho lady said she felt that she had a productive day and was happy about everything that she accomplished (on the yearbook). She brought the students to the auditorium for 6th and 7th because she didn't feel like teaching, even though they were supposed to be in class. So no teaching occurred today, the students received diddly squat, but she had a productive day. That's great for you, you stuck-up asshole.

warming up to psycho lady

So I think I'm starting to like my cooperating teacher. She may be wildly unprofessional, but she's been good to me so far. She hasn't hid materials or made unreasonable demands. So far so good. Her 9th grade class is four weeks behind the 9th grade class at taught in White Plains. Score! They are about to start a Middle Ages Unit. So all the work I did in creating the unit plan can be taught to these kids with a few tweaks. I feel so less stressed out. This woman could use some help with methods and materials. She seems very open to whatever I am going to do. I'm bringing in my materials tomorrow to show her. For her 10th graders I'm thinking about what I could do for the Cold War and the Middle East. The only major hurdle is the fact that the computers block every decent educational website I can think of. It will be more challenging to get videos since youtube and every decent video site is blocked, but I will find a way.

The Kid that Smiles too much

Today I had the privilege of witnessing Artez at his worst. A child of the obnoxious variety. He seems to feed off anything that the psycho lady says in response to his defiance. She does not realize that she is fueling the fire by yelling at him after about every third curse and threatening him with empty promises. He is instigating the rest of the class, students who normally wouldn't be behaving so badly now a mess. The class has fallen apart. What do you expect when you assign students the arduous task of having to write hundreds of words from a word document for 45 minutes straight. How are they supposed to focus on this task for such an extended period of time and not create their own entertainment. I;m not sure I can sit still that long and write all of those notes without a lecture or explanation or some other sort of stimulation or just some time to stop and think. ___________________________________________________________________________________________After the lesson I asked the psycho lady why she didn't send Artez out of the room much earlier when she first threatened him with that punishment. Se said that he would have just taken a walk around the hallway and came back, as if it had no serious effect on his behavior. She saw the situation as hopeless and I can understand her feelings given that she did not have a negative consequence to stop him or positive encouragement to motivate him to behave. There is nothing stopping Artez from going wild and he is as aware of the fact as anyone. Psycho lady was so mad at Artez that she punished everyone with a quiz. The only trouble was that Artez didn't give a crap and sat there doing nothing while everyone else did the quiz. She then said that she would give a quiz for everyday that Artez didn't behave. Artez, the natural jerk that he is said, "that's a great idea, you should do that, it will help us study for the regents." Yeah, everyone will be punished with a quiz while Artez will sit there doing nothing and laughing at everyone including the teacher. If he can have the power to force the teacher to go wild, he wins the power game. Now the question for me is how am I going to deal with this basketcase?

Day One with Psycho Lady

It's my first day in a new school. I was greeted by my cooperating teacher and she proceeded to complain about her students. "They all act up and that's the way it is. If you can't beat 'em join 'em." Not the attitude I was looking for. All day today she was in CSE meetings so she dumped me off in the class next door. I had a great time in Mr. C's class. He's a funny guy. After 60 minutes with this woman I wanted to scream. I looked through her class and saw packets, packets and more packets! She wrote on the board that students will be completing their packets and starting a new one. She curses like a sailor and lets out every bad word in front of her students. She allows them to curse in class and curses with them and at them. She said to a student who was in the Shakespeare workshop, "You have to stopping fucking saying the fucking F-word in this class, remember you are not in my classroom." What a terrible lesson to teach your students. She spent the entire first period with this other teacher and the security guards bad mouthing the students. As she dumped me into her colleague's class she saw they were eating girl scout cookies and said, "cover your ears kids, I love this vodka drink that tastes like a samoa cookie." I have no idea how this woman is as a teacher but I have seen some of the most unprofessional behavior of my life. I suspect that she is trying to be friends with the students rather than be their teacher. I will have to investigate further when I see her in front of the class.

Annual Review Time!

I had IEP meetings all day today. One parent thought they knew the law, and wanted to argue for every special ed service imaginable enabling less responsibility for their child. Another parent wasn't at the meeting, and her son has been doing so well. He was falsely placed in Special Ed, and falsely placed in pathways (program for mentally disturbed students). We joked that he probably hit a white kid somewhere along the line and was forever labeled. Although his parent wasn't there to fight for him, we have him on track to leave special ed. So today has been quite a learning experience.

Observed. Again.

So this time I was more comfortable and students seemed to be into it. The three bits of advice I received was, 1) MORE wait time. I need to wait a sec or 5 after I ask a question. Allow that awkward silence to take hold. 2) I should have more than one student answer the same question, that way other students can benefit from a re-phrasing of the answer. 3) I said too much! Ask and shut up! The students will tell you the next thing you were going to say. It's better if they figure it out, nuff of this spoon feeding. In the far or not so far future, I hope to create independent learners out of my students, proactive and able to express themselves. The dream, the future goal. How I want to shape these young brains.

The fear has ended.

Finally I finished Monday and everything seems like it's going to be fine for the rest of the week. It's strange how that is, that Sunday night makes me insane, and Monday everything is fine in the world. Mrs. A wasn't even that critical, weird. I must appreciate the positive feelings while they last.

I can't wait to be done with this!!

I think the approach I need to take in teaching Africa is to first consult the NY curriculum and plan this lesson as if these are my own students. I need to do this for the kids and not for these demanding impossible to please co-teachers. They will criticize anything I do, especially if it is good because it threatens their establishment. I am free to be successful or suck because the same result of harsh criticism will result in either. There is comfort in knowing that this will come to an end, and I can say that I have successfully collaborated with some difficult people. Yay, just what I wanted. I need to get off this pity train, suck it up, woman-up, and do this. I will check back in later.

It's Sunday, This time I need to prevent the panic

So it's Sunday. I'm wasting large amounts of time freaking out about this lesson on Africa, instead of getting the lessons done. Every lesson I deliver may not be the greatest lesson I have ever done, and I need to accept some mediocrity in my work. I don't think Africa is interesting, and that is largely because I know little about it. I felt in my youth Global history was not taught well. I missed many of these units as a child, so I lack the background knowledge. My co-teachers are not on the same page as to how much time I need to spend on each section of African culture. I must do what the demanding older lady wants me to do, since she drives the ship. Again, I feel so unsupported in this placement. I have been told the countries that I will teach, but no clue as to the important information. I guess that means I better consult the New York core curriculum. What's been strange, is that what these women are teaching doesn't always follow this curriculum, ending up as another situation of "do as I say, not as I do." I am shocked at the lack of organization and curriculum planning for two women that have been teaching global I for a while. How could they not know what they are doing? I am looking forward to a new placement. Hopefully my next teacher will be more of a professional, and treat me in a way that is reasonable. It is so unreasonable for these women to be so demanding of me when they don't have a clue what they are doing and do not represent the amazing teaching they expect from me. Everything they tell me not to do such as lecture the entire time, they do, so I have not had a good role model to follow.

Things were better today.

I had a reading for the students to do. It made a huge difference in the eyes of Mrs. A. She wants to see them read and write and the core curriculum requires it. Sometimes it can be difficult to figure out what is important information, so that I can teach that more thoroughly and leave time to cover it and reinforce that knowledge.

Who do you think you are!?

What nerve you have tearing up an aspiring teacher who understandably has little experience, when you're not so good yourself!

Torn up and Spit out.

So I finish delivering my lesson and realize that I didn't get to the reading. I get so pissed at myself and my mentor teacher tries to calm me, saying that these kids take longer to write down the notes, and not to worry. Well, 8th period I thought I would be free of the harsh criticism of Mrs. A, but I could not escape it. She came in at the end of the class ripped me to shreds over my lesson. It really wasn't that different than the lesson the other teacher taught. And she has such a harsh way to criticizing me. She shoot me down and yells "No! You're Wrong!" She asked me to define "Golden Ages" and mid-sentence she cuts me off and yells, "NO!" "You must have a clear and precise definition, you need to know the content!" That was a basic question she was asking, that I was attempting to answer, but couldn't. So rude. I know she wants me to do well, but I have a weird feeling that it gives her a sadistic satisfaction to shoot me down. I can't yell back, I won't yell back. I just need to survive at this point. I hate being spoken to in such a degrading way, and having to take it because I don't want conflict. If I did even say one thing back to her, I know it would blow up and permanently wreck the somewhat decent relationship I have been able to maintain with her. I just need to let her scream and yell, and somehow not let it bother me. Challenging, I know.

Another Sunday Night Meltdown

I thought I had it all figured out, but I didn't. How do you teach students about something you have no interest in? I hate ancient China, especially the Tang and Song Dynasties. It's so boring and awful. I can't seem to find a way to make this interesting. I also have trouble sorting out the important information, as there is so much boring awful information I could impart about this time period. Now I know why Mark seemed so sad during this unit. It sux. How do you teach stuff that you don't want to learn yourself? I have no interest, I don't care, so how am I going to make them care? In my opinion, having to know something for an exam is not enough of a motivation. I have to somehow make it significant. I will probably be up all night, spending a good part of that time in freak-out mode, and then get it together at 3am. It sux that I have to waste so much time and sleep getting worked up about this. It's like I have to remind myself, yet again, that the world is not going to end, and I'm not going to die as a result of this lesson. Another thing that is weighing on my mind is the fact that Mrs. A, won't be there. She is usually better at getting the kids to settle down. I know there is that added challenge of them freaking out more than usual. I can't wait until I can get a placement of older more mature students, and not have to worry about Middle School behavior. What is bothering me more right now... the fear of them freaking out? or, failing to deliver a winning lesson? I think it's actually the first more than the second. I usually believe that the kids will be more focused if they are engaged. I'm not sure that is entirely true. I'm not sure that engagement is possible with such dry subject matter. I may be better off having many different activities, some variation. There are aspects to this unit that are so complex and boring the explain, I am afraid of losing their attention. I need to focus on the essential facts, and go from there.

Kids Need Structure.

Today I put up the do now, as I always do. I wanted them to list three causes and three effects of the crusades. As I walked around I noticed that some students were struggling. I decided to write down "causes" and list three bullet point and then write "effects" with three bullet points below that. I told the students that their sheet needed to look like mine. What a huge difference! When we went over it in class, I had them fill in the answers they didn't get and told them I was collecting it. I can't assume that students know how to write lists, I have to guide them in the process.

Observed.

So I can finally say that I am on the other side, and I survived once again. My professor gave me wonderful feedback. It was especially nice to hear that I had great time management. She understood that my students had been "packet-ed," and that was the reason why they were hard to draw out. I am starting to feel more confident. I may turn out to be good at this. I feel legit.

The week is over. Let's Party!

I made it through my first week of teaching. I started with only one period and advanced to four periods. I thought I would never be able handle the students or handle myself for that matter, but I did. I did not let any negative situation hurt me emotionally, and I think that is the most important accomplishment of all. I have something to be proud of, and I am ready for observation. Bring it! I'm also very happy with the partnership I have created with Mark. I wasn't sure at first, maybe it was just the nerves, but he has calmed down quite a bit. Maybe it's my competency, he respects me as an equal. We share all of our materials. I have three teachers mentoring me right now, the two in my class and his teacher. This has really turned out to be the best placement ever. I don't want to leave.

Valentine's Day, an excuse to load kids with sugar.

I successfully managed a group of already rowdy children, filled with sugar in the last two periods of the day. I rock. Although they are high energy, I find that when I can calm them down that energy is channeled into the classwork. The second period class does not suffer from obnoxiousness or immaturity, but they are so checked out it is hard to get them engaged. In some ways I prefer the ADD crazy kids that want to learn over the "I'm too cool" type of students ever present in the morning. Mrs. Ammirato wrote her usual laundry list of criticisms, but she only mentioned a few, phew! She did compliment my ability to handle a wild child in a minimal way that did not interfere with class. I went over to his desk and stood there giving him that "teacher look." He knew he did something bad, and straighten himself out. I find that I am getting less emotionally entangled. That's crazy that I would be so strong so soon. I will stay with this positive feeling. It is so exhausting to maintain an orderly classroom, but it feels really good when it is accomplished.

Criticism Overload!

Today I took over the 8th period, ya know, the immature class. I went through a Powerpoint about social roles during Feudalism. I didn't realize the time. I went on and on and on and on and on. Opps. I must have lectured for thirty minutes or more! And for a class that is the age of little middle schoolers that's wayyyy too long. My mentor teacher spoke to me after class and ran through a long list of notes she made while I was teaching. She must be in her seventies, and heavily out of touch with modern times. Instead of sandwiching her comments (ex. good, bad, good), she bombarded me with advice. She is hard to communicate with because she is so strongly opinionated and old-school. I know she is trying to help, I know she cares, so it's okay. In that situation the best thing to do is accept everything she says graciously, because there is no room for discussion. I need to let the old wise lady have her way. I am here to soak it all up like a giant sponge. Whatever I choose to do with this feedback, well, that is entirely up to me.

packets, packets, and more packets

So my mentor teachers are in love with packets! Shitty shitty packets. The ol' drill and kill education. This is the perfect way suck the life out of a subject, and boil the long and exciting soap opera we call history down to some sheets of shit. I am so disgusted I have nothing more to say at this time.

At last.. No longer virginal.

Finally. I am on the other side. I have busted through my own emotional resistance. I did it. I taught. No one died. Actually, it went rather well. The first two periods are the better behaved and higher level students. They were hard to draw out, but I think I held their attention. The teacher had me ease into it, by doing a quiz with the students on a brain pop clip. Good idea. Just standing in front of the class held to calm some of the nerves. The last two periods are the most unstable. The 7th period kids are the obnoxious ones, and the 8th period kids are the immature goofy ones. I feel like the 7th period lesson went the best. The kids are a little disruptive, but they have more energy and they were more engaged. The other two teachers didn't leave me hanging, they came in to deal with the kids who were acting up, so I could keep teaching. I know eventually I will need to step in, but the support is nice in the beginning.

Sunday Night Gitters...

I had a freak-out Sunday night. I was an emotional mess anticipating that I would be taking over the class this week, standing in front of those angry children. It's too soon. What if all hell explodes in this classroom to the point where desks are flying and I have to worry about the safety of these kids. My parents can't deal with me, my ex-ex-manfriend is treating this like an obligation. I wish I was more excited. I should be.

I may be starting to thicken...

I did fine today. I didn't get upset by the students who were acting out. I may be okay when the time comes to teach. I needed that day to freak out in order to calm down. Now the challenge is in cramming all that content down. That will be the goal for this weekend.

Would you rather be Caring or Intimidating?

In this business I'd rather be the big scary black man than the small white woman. But I have no choice. I was born in this tiny body. So I have to work with what I got. Maybe, just maybe I will learn to channel my inner big scary black man in tough times when I need to be thick-skinned. Most people develop thick skin over time. Well, a lot more time has to pass before I can develop this outter shell, so I have to be patient. It will happen. I will be mentally tough. Eventually, hopefully before I grow too old and become too burnt out trying to find myself.

You can take your arrogance and shove it!

This is my message to a not-so-humble teacher. I have observed you teach. You seem to have a solid base of content knowledge. You have a good class presence and happen to be teaching the most well-behaved students. You're lucky. You have a nice gig and you're doing a good job. BUT... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You do not know everything that there is to know about the teaching profession. I am sick of you talking in such a condescending tone about everything that you know. You are so quick to shoot down most of what I say, so there's no point in really saying anything. I know you don't care. It's really all about you. All I want to do is keep a friendly working relationship with you. I am not below you. We are in the same position on even ground here. If you fail to recognize that it's fine. I will do my own thing and be my own success story. This is all still new to me. I haven't taught in a while. Once I am able to get a handle on this I can shine through and be my own good teacher. I look forward to that happening.

So what makes a good lesson/teacher?

I observed Mark's teacher today because I had a sub. Mr. D is so animated and dynamic. He jumps on top of one of the desks and dances around the room, shouting and making strange sounds. Wow! He is getting into the content, making high level connections and seems to have a Phd level of knowledge. I'm impressed with his charisma, and on the surface it looks like excellent teaching, for sure. I remember when I was a confident teacher and my personality showed through and I was able to engage students and give my lessons a personal touch. But are his students learning anything?! Well, I'm not sure. When I measure his lesson up against the framework that I received last night in class, I'm not so sure the students have the content. I circulate the class and find that some students have filled out the graphic organizer on the causes of the crusades while others have barely made a dent in it. I guess that's the honors way of doing things, you either sick or swim, and no one is there to make sure that you have it. By "it," I mean whatever the point of that lesson was.

The First Day Blues

I finished the first day at White Plains.  I thought it was manageable after the first three periods, but I nearly lost it after 7th and could barely hold it together 8th.  I hid behind the desk for most of 8th period.  AHHHH!!! Crazy Kids!  There really weren't that bad.  I just had a flashback to when I was in the Bronx and they were several times worse.  Since I know how bad it can get I am picturing in my mind the desks flying around the room and the students all out of their seats running all over the room screaming.  Professor was right.  I have Post-Traumatic Stress disorder.  And it's from my last job.  At one point, I think it after the third trip to the bathroom I could see as I looked in the mirror, I had tears rolling down my face. I could stop it at that point.  I was completely engulfed by my emotions.  I can't let this happen.  I can't have them see me like this.  I think they already know I'm weak.  Somehow I have to control my emotions.  Right now it seems out of my control.

New Placement!

Now I can begin again. Ivan pulled through, he may have really righted this situation and gave me a great chance. I appreciate his work on hooking this up for me. I will be in White Flat HS working with the ever-opinionated Mrs. A, according to my buddy Jen who works there. She said this woman is crazy, but in a good way, and thinks it's funny I was matched with her. I have a feeling I might get more involved in this placement. I can't wait to start. I have all of the those nervous excited feelings. This could be tough. I want to make sure I'm on it. I want to make a good impression and blend all nicely with the school culture. I anticipate that I will find White Flat to be less stuffy and more down to reality. The view of the teachers toward special education students may be more welcoming as well, I will want to pay attention to that. I hope I can handle this placement, and go in their like a pro teacher. I hope these teachers set me up good, in terms of helping me with planning and delivery (management). I want to be in there, so I know I need a supportive practice ground in order to work out the kinks and come out of this with some serious experience. Let's go.

I'm Really Pissed at this Placement Officer

I handed in my paperwork several weeks early, I was prepared. He was not. He should have been more knowledgeable about my requirements and communicated clearly to the school what I needed to accomplish during my time there. If he did, B-Mountain HS would have told them that I couldn't take over the class and he could have made other plans. Instead I was tossed into this school that cannot fulfill this assignment, and left to find a new placement last minute, a few weeks into the semester. Who is going to take me now? They weren't already planning on having a student teacher, and now they need to take me on and let me completely take over their class. I need to keep my head high and hope for the best. It is hard to stay positive, especially when your own school has so royally screwed you over, but I need to stay in a positive place. I will need to hold off on the complaints until another week goes by. Give him a chance to make this right. I may be getting the best of all worlds here. It may work out in the end. Just keep on going!

Surprise! You're teaching today.

So today I came in expecting to do my usual observation in the back of the room. Mr. Z decided that I would be going through two worksheets while he wrote a lesson for his APPR observation on Wednesday. He gave me two work sheets to do with the students on opportunity cost. I read through the instructions with the students and helped them fill it out. Had I been told in advance that I would be teaching I would have created my own materials to supplement these sheets. I had a feeling I wouldn't make it to the end and suggested that I should go over current events with them. He ensured that I would have enough to do. The lesson went alright, as engaging as a worksheet can be. I looked at the clock when I was done and five minutes remained. I actually said out loud to the students, "oh crap, here are those five minutes again." At least I can laugh about it. I shouldn't be so hard on myself because everything else went fine. It's just that I need to work on pacing. Mr. Z could have drawn out those worksheets for double the time I taught them, with lecture and notes. My style is to just get it done and move on to the next thing. That's what I did. I think if I had more content knowledge to draw upon I would have been able to fill up the time. I can't wait until I know this content as well as these veteran teachers, but that will take time. If I had known I would be teaching today I could have created an activity to do to review the terms or add multimedia. I can't wait until I have my own class, where it's no longer a surprise that I am teaching, as that's what I have been hired to do.

Thursday: My First Lesson

So today I presented a lesson on Opportunity Cost. Before today, I did not know what the term meant, and now I've researched it inside and out. It takes a surprising amount of time to create a lesson plan. I decided to make Powerpoint slides, so it would be easier to remember each concept I wanted to explain. I started by reviewing scarcity and explaining how the scarcity of time forces us to choose. When choosing between two options it is the benefits of the choice that we didn't make that is our "opportunity cost." I had the students fill out a worksheet where they listed the positive and negatives of two vacations options. They shared their dream vacations and found the opportunity cost of that decision. The global application of opportunity cost is explained in the expression "guns or butter," which means that a country may spend more money on defense at the opportunity cost of what they would be gaining with increased domestic spending. I'm not sure that the students understood that "guns or butter" didn't actually mean guns or butter, but was a metaphor. My cooperative teacher recommended that I speak slower and repeat the definitions. I should have asked each student to explain them to check for understanding. Instead I had them choose a term from the hat, write the definition and pass the term to the person on their right who then shared it with the class. Overall the lesson went well. I need to work on pacing and presenting the content in a clear voice. I also would have loved to teach this lesson to a larger class to work on classroom management.

Now, you acknowledge me?!

So Mrs. C, who did not want me to be involved in anyway in her class, decided to impart some advice to me today. She said that I will be doing a ton of reading in the beginning. She said that I need to create a curriculum map and carefully decide the content I need to cover. She was debating whether to cover the Armenian genocide, but then said, well "What about all the other genocides?" It could lend itself to a comparative study of modern genocide which would be interesting, but it make the students depressed. You don't want your teaching to be depressing. She might have made a good point about sheltering the students from some of the evil in the world. I would want to give them enough evil to make them angry and want to take action, but not so much that they become depressed themselves. Great point I never fully considered.

Wednesday: An Important Moment

So little smart-ass Matt came into the resource room period before his Global II class, unprepared. He had an answer for everything, which led Mr. Z to ask, "What is the meaning of life?" Matt took the textbook and put himself into "the box," which is the detention room across the hall. Mr. Z sent me after him, warning me not to be the "bad cop." I was a little pissed at this kid. He misses school every other day, never does his work, and thinks he is too smart and too cool to go to school. It was like pulling teeth to get him through the assignment. He was content with printing out the answers on Quizlet. I knew he wasn't going to write down the answers, so I tried to get him to talk about them. I remember Mrs. C asking the class why Africa was known as the "Dark Continent." I searched the answer and asked him to read it. As soon as Matt was done printing the terms out, I had him read it again. In class Mrs. C asked the question, and Matt's hand went up. No one else knew the answer. He made me proud. As he left class I told him what a great job he did, and he said he did it so that I looked good. Not the motivation I was looking for, but I'll take it. You have to cherish these small break through moments. It's not everyday that an arrogant punk-ass kid makes an effort.

I Could Crush Her with My Pinky

Today I met the General Education Teacher that teaches the 4th period global class. The one who will not let me be involved in anyway shape or form. She would be most satisfied if I disappeared from the room while she was teaching. She did not acknowledge my presence in the room until Mr. Z introduced me as his student teacher, and assured her that I would only be observing. God forbid I had any involvement in your holy classroom. She is also the department head. Figures. As I sat on a radiator in the back of the class bored out of my skull, I couldn't help but imagine how easy I could crush this woman. At least there's one battle in which I would surely prevail.

I have to learn to control my anger

So I happen to find a paycheck sitting on my teacher's desk. I was in plain sight and I was overtaken with curiosity. What does a special education teacher, who teaches one class, observes another, and sits on his ass the rest of the day until he is called for the occasional meeting or paperwork, make? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- After taxes, about 98,000 a year! Can you believe that! I can. THIS is what is wrong with the world. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ If I spend all of my time feeling angry I will drive myself crazy, so I must learn to compartmentalize these strong feelings I have about the vast injustices I have witnessed thus far in this first week of placement.

Monday: The first "official" day

As I walked into the building the assistant principal is writing "Early Dismissal" on a piece of chart paper set up outside her office. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So Friday was a BS day, and I guess today is one too. All because of a few drops of snow. It was not that bad out. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- So after watching my teacher teach 1st period economics my day is basically done. It would have been done at 11am anyway, but I would have had to hang around an extra two hours, silently reading and going nutzzz. I mentioned my disappointment in not being involved in his 4th period global class. And he said, "Well you have 12th grade 1st period, why do you need another high school class? It would be redundant." I said, "Well, I would love to maximize the time I spent here and gain more opportunities to teach." And he didn't have much to say to that. He knows it's true. This opportunity is limited at best. I guess should be so lucky to set foot in such a prize school that I shouldn't be concerned with anything else really.

Take that!

I had a great moment today. Second period an administrator came into the class and said that he needed me to proctor exams for the last three periods of the day. He asked in a pathetic tone that suggested that he knew he was asking me to do shit work. I said in a professional and diplomatic tone, "Today is the first day of the semester. I am required to follow my cooperating teacher. I cannot proctor those exams, because I cannot put that into my log. It will not count as part of my student teaching." And then he said, "Well, then I guess we will have to find someone else to do it." You got that right asshole. My moment of victory, at last. I felt so good after I declined his request politely and non-verbally communicated to him that he should go fuck himself. It was empowering. I have the power to control the way that I do business and the amount of crap I will tolerate from people. The key is to deal with situations in a professional manner, and stay calm not to let on my true feelings.

SpEd Kids Don't Matter Here

Many of the students who are classified as special education happen to be black and all hang out together in his classroom during lunch period and at various points throughout the day. They all have the same haircut, wear the same clothes and drop the "n" bomb in casual conversation. My cooperating teacher doesn't seem to mind. I guess they feel ostracized and are trying to hold onto whatever sense of identity they can among this sea of high achieving white kids. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The B-mountain High school has a culture of high achievement and is known as a "good" school. I get a feeling of stuffiness and pretentiousness in the school climate. Many of the general education teachers have made it clear that I am not allowed to teach in their class. I can only observe from a distance. The head of personnel, the woman who made the arrangements seems to think that I can fulfill my student teaching requirement by creating lesson plans, that I would only present to my professor and not to the class. The whole point of student teaching is to teach. It's obnoxious of her to relegate me to such a low standing. I feel demeaned by the way this school seeks to utilize me to proctor exams and provide free labor in their theatre, but will not allow me to teach (the real reason I came to the school in the first place).

Placement Disaster!

So I just began my first half of week at the B-Mountain High School and I'm bored out of my skull. I was asked to proctor exams the first two days, so the expectation was low. What I thought was supposed to be a prime student teaching gig at a prime school, has turned out to be a major disappointment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The only positive thing about this placement is the cooperating teacher. He is a nice guy. Although he seems to do nothing all day, he has great ideas about creative projects for special education students. He also cares about his students, unlike most of the other teachers whom he said view special ed kids as "lazy" and "unmotivated." I can understand why these kids might be unmotivated. If I am reading at a fourth grade level, and a teacher demands that I complete work that is way out of my range of ability, of course I'm not going to make the effort. I would feel defeated. The only thing left to do is freak out.