Bad Day :(

Today my teacher at my field training school showed up an hour late. The students don't want to do any work. They are so unmotivated and they have very low skills. I feel like an asshole for saying this but I can't even try to see intelligence where there doesn't seem to be any.

The second period rolls around and the crazy kids come in. I sit and do work by myself and say, "if you need help I'm here." I don't make an effort to help anyone. Students are coming in and out. I feel a piece of paper hit me in the back and I turn to two students screwing around and tell them that's not cool, but I say it in a reserved way and not a firm way. I feel weak right now because I don't know how to handle it, and I don't know these students. One of them is a jackass and keeps repeating what I am saying back to me. I ask him to show me what he is working on. I get firmer with him. The other kid is doing nothing and shouldn't be there. I don't want to seem weak so I get tougher. I say "It is your responsibility to get your work done, you are the one who needs to pass, I could care less who threw the paper!" This not helping as the student is yelling "Fuck you bitch! Get out of here! I wish you never come back!" I'm so harmless I can't understand this anger toward me. I kinda shrivel a bit and hold back the tears. I leave and cry in the bathroom. I feel so embarrassed. What is worse is the main teacher did nothing, and let them basically bully me.

It wasn't just the student's remarks that pissed me off but the whole situation of people not caring sitting there looking to cause trouble. In this class there is no instruction or rules. It's hopeless. It's out of my hands, but I am frustrated nonetheless.

You can tell me not to take it personally, I know it's not about me, but I am still upset at not handling it right. I have serious problems with my emotions. This happened a lot at my old job, so it's nothing new.

I told my class and we discussed it. Some student suggested I get counseling or go on meds. My teacher said the environment might not be right for me. There are larger systematic problems here that I have no control over and I hate it. I really don't want to deal with asshole students or have to dumb down everything I teach because the students don't care and/or don't have the mental capacity. I actually believe some of these kids are just dumb, as horrible as it is to say.

I might be in a better run school, but I may want to consider other options. I'm questioning the mission. Maybe I don't want to save the world. Maybe I just want to live in it...... Maybe I can't care about people who don't care. It might not be in my nature to work really hard and not be appreciated, or have that work go to waste. The demands are usually unreasonably high for teachers. I noticed this in my old job. It was like I had to be this perfect, extremely hardworking teacher to gain respect from the students whose own standards were not nearly as high for themselves.