Our Communities.

So I've been talking to the other token dyke in my SAF session. We got into this whole talk about strap-ons right before class and she is opposed to penetration, like so many lezies I have come across recently. She talked about her friend who thinks it's so straight, at least we agree that she was wrong. A girl with a dick is not a guy. But she also argued the point that even if she liked it that way she would never do it, because penetration goes against the values of the community. That's so annoying. I feel so disconnected to that line of thinking. I know some lesbians who only like penetration, so I know there are many subcultures within the culture. It all just annoys the fuck outta me. I don't see where I fit in. I'm glad I'm not trying to belong, but it can be so lonely being me. I lack people who share my own views and aren't so damn uptight!

A loaded comment.

So I had a meeting with my teacher today and we were talking about my attitudes toward teaching. I was reliving a lot of my days at east side house, explaining the tension with my coworkers and my success with the students. I said my biggest worry was not getting along with the administration and having to follow rules that I think are flawed.

Most people who refuse to do what they're told, brake the rules because they are lazy, but in my case the reasons are just the opposite. I am defiant because I think I can do it better. I want to go above and beyond and the rules are not allowing me to be the awesome teacher I strive to be. My teacher said that someone with vision and a hard work ethic such as myself maybe be pressured into administration positions. I'm not sure I want to create policy or run a school. I love teaching.

And then he said a peculiar comment... "You may find that the environment that you are teaching in is not the right place for you. Your values may be different. You might have to work in a different kind of environment." I felt as if he was telling me that the high-need urban schools were not the environment for me. He could of said, "Hey, go teach at the white people school." If these urban schools are like east side house where there is a presumption that people slack off and things are disorganized, well then he may be right. There may be something about the way I am (even beyond my whiteness) that clashes with the people and the culture. It's just a strange thing to say. I joined this program to help students in need, but maybe that's not where I will be most affective. It's certainly something to think about.

How do I be me?

Today we talked about race, forever. There is so much to say about racial stereotyping that never occurred to me when I began working with this population. I never found it a problem to be very open about my background. I also never felt like I had to make myself ghetto to teach these kids. A lot of these trainers are suggesting that I in essence "become black," and I don't agree with that. I don't see my race/sexuality as a limitation. It's being a positive and accepting white queer girl that will encourage the students to learn to work with and accept people who are different. That's the important lesson they need. Anyway, I'm not going to even try to be something I'm not. I must stay true to myself. Which brings me to another identification issue.

How the hell do I address my sexuality?

People seek a lot of comfort in knowing that I am gay. So how do I be me? Identifying as "bi" I run the risk of looking like I don't know who I am which in some ways is worse than being mislabeled. "Bi" doesn't even describe me, it's such a loaded word. I associate "bisexual" with a "straight" slut who primarily dates the opposite gender, but who fucks around with the same gender on the side. I'd rather be "Gay." They may need me to be "Gay." If I violate that assumption I can cause more harm than good. I always get harassed by people when they find out I'm not gay, especially lesbians. I learn to just be gay for the image and have my own identity that I share with people who are special to me. Only certain people deserve to know me and I say fuck the rest!

The 9 to 6 Intensity: Week 1

Hey blog. You know I really lucked out. My professor is wonderful, he's so cognitive, and a little spacey. I love my class, a real sharp group. Considering that only 9% were accepted, it's a pretty elite group of people, and yet I feel like I am dominating the conversations. I have learned so much through my prior teaching experiences. We had to say a positive and a negative about ourselves and I appropriately selected "ambitious" and "arrogant". I can't help but be a little self-assured, I'm kicking serious ass here. I feel like I'm way ahead of everyone and I have so much freakin' insight. This one guy kept saying "that's so deep" after everything I said. That's right I'm deep. I'm intense. I care too much. That's me.

Our society preaches the value of modesty and everyone is suppose to qualify themselves and degrade themselves to the all mighty god of humbleness. But I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling pride. I understand why I get arrogant, and I may want to listen a little more or at least fake some humbleness for my superiors. I know I got to play the game. It makes sense that I feel arrogant, I'm good, and I know I'm good. After today I really believe that I am going to "be something." Something big. I'm going somewhere in life. I need to get prepared for something much larger. I have very deeply rooted beliefs. When I speak very strongly about an issue, it comes straight from the gut. I know that I have their attention. My intense and unstoppable drive must be frightening. People realize early on that I am someone to know. They either try to alliance themselves with me, like the random people shouting my name down the hall, trying to get lunch with me, etc, or they form a plot to kill me.

Graduation: The Last Day

I felt so awkward there. When the students were picking up their certificates I was taking pictures instead of shaking their hands with the rest of my staff. That is how I felt the entire time I worked there. They never made me feel included. And I really worked my butt off for these kids, but it just didn't seem to be recognized. The kids knew though, and that's why my entire class disappeared this week.

My boss read the names of the students who moved to the higher level course, meaning their reading levels improved by about 4 or 5 grades. He names 10 students, and 8 out of those 10 were my kids. YEAH! Unfortunately only two remain. I can only hope that they stay when I'm gone. It's so sad to work so hard and help so many people to feel that your work is basically lost when you leave. I mean I drilled those kids and made them work, work, work. I invested so much in them and in myself as a teacher. I guess I'll just have to carry it out elsewhere.

I was ready to leave a while ago. The hardest part of this job was dealing with the staff, and not the students surprisingly. A certain vindictive staff member always tried to make me look bad by persuading me to do something wrong so she could report me. I got my share of homophobia infused with some Jesus. Most of the staff were pretty lazy and unorganized, so the schedule constantly changed, things wouldn't get done right, they would stick me with a class that wasn't mine, etc. I became so annoyed at the inefficiency of these people. They became so annoyed at my hard work and success. I'm sure if I went back to this place in five years I would see that everyone was still there, doing the same job and making the same money. This job is a dead end. I'm looking forward to starting again somewhere new.

Special Education Observation Program

So I begged and pleaded to be squeezed in, all to see a bunch of really obscene things I didn't think were possible. But that's the board of ed. for you.

Those two days were filled with a bunch of examples of "what not to do" as a teacher. I am really amazed at how crappy a lot of these teachers were. Granted a few of them were in their first year, but still. So uninspiring. I have yet to see a teacher I think has really got something worthwhile to sit through. It was like going to high school all over again. oh hell.

REMEMBER THIS: One thing I do what to point out, particularly so I don't forget. Ms. E's english class was by far the most offensive display of terrible teaching. First of all she spent most of the period screaming at everyone for everything and wondering why no one did the homework or any of the classwork, or any work for that matter. I'm not surprised lady. I had to fight an huge urge to throw something, turn a chair over, run around in circles screaming, boy I wanted to raise hell in her class. What really got me was how she spoke to them. She used this little baby voice. They are 16 for Christ's sake. What the hell? No wonder nobody wants to listen to you. And I felt bad for her, too. She looked like she wanted to kill herself. Even if you do wish to end your life, it doesn't help your students to display such an attitude.

The Title

So I've been told. I run the class like a female Napoleon. I mean you gotta do what you gotta do with some these punks. I would have never survived if I hadn't adapted this personality. Come on a little 5 foot bug's gotta compensate. I'm thankful for my ability to frighten, when need be. It just has to be done. It comes from a place of caring. I feel so often I am making up for the lack of parenting a lot of my students receive. It;s just that no one tells them "no" at home. That's what got them into the situation they find themselves in where they are at a GED program, several years away from a diploma.